Precious moments

Quiet time can enhance a child’s development.CHILDREN need time and space to grow happily and healthily. One may say, all children have is time. But things have changed a great deal for children in our society. The idea that children have their own time to do what they want does not hold true anymore. Every minute of their time is being stretched and occupied with some kind of structured learning programme. There are no free moments for relaxation and pondering.

Parents of kindergarten kids are concerned that their children cannot cope with Year One and send them for tuition classes. A private tutor related this to me: One student, a three-year-old child, has been with her since she was two. Lately, her mother finds her unmotivated. She does not want to sit down for lessons anymore. She just wants to walk around and look at things. Her mother is worried that she will not be able to be on par with her peers. Her private tutor was told to encourage her to do more lessons so that she will stay ahead of her peers.

Many parents are worried that their children’s preschool education cannot prepare them for formal schooling. They tend to pressure their children to take on more than they can handle. Many children at a very young age complain that they are tired. These children are not only tired physically but emotionally and spiritually, too.

A child’s spiritual development means more than just teaching him to observe a specific religion. It is the basic human energy from which we draw meaning in our lives. Children need to be in touch with nature and realise their place in the world.

Children are gifted with a natural spiritual sense. According to Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick, author of Something More, Nurturing Your Child’s Spiritual Growth: “The greatest challenge we all face as spiritual nurturers is to become attuned to the young child’s authentic spirituality which, unlike our own, is such an integrated part of life. Children’s exuberant spirituality is reflected in everything they do. A child shows us the extraordinary in the ordinary.”

To keep this wonderful gift in children, parents must nurture its very presence and provide an environment in which it can flourish. Children need time to remain silent and calm. Growing up in a noisy world where traffic, the TV, computer and the radio is everywhere, children have little chance of experiencing what silence is all about. Silence is very important to a child’s spiritual growth. They need silence to know more about themselves and their world.

So whenever possible, take your three-year-old out hand in hand, for a walk in the garden or a stroll in the park. Sit down on a patch of grass and close your eyes without saying a word. Moments like these can allow your child to notice more things in her environment. She may tell you: “I hear the birds singing.” Or “I hear the wind talking to me.”

One primary child complained that he had too many classes to attend and had no time for himself. His mother asked him what he wanted to do so that he would be happy. He responded: “Nothing. I want to do nothing.”

When children are bombarded with all kinds of activities, they feel themselves “drowning” and are not able to understand the purpose of pages of writing. He only does his work to avoid punishment. Eventually, he will lose all motivation to learn because he sees no purpose in it.

Children who spend hours in front of the television and the computer find it hard to cope with the world of nature and appreciate the beauty around them. It is important that parents foster the sense of awe and wonder in children before they are numb to what is in our world. During a parenting session, I asked parents to allow their children to hug a tree.

One lady in the audience immediately responded: “The trees are full of ants. It is too unhealthy to do it.” Our children today are kept away from nature because parents feel they gain nothing from it.

Childhood is a time when children can be children, not miniature adults who have to maximise their time to fit in so many things. It is every child’s right to discover the world in his own time. He does not need to rush through things in order to stay ahead.

When things get tough and rough for children, they should be allowed to take their time to just stare at the sky.

Whatever wife lectures the violent baffle.

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Parenting Parent - A family affair

Parenting Parent - NO time, no appetite and nothing to eat are the most common reasons that we hear when children skip breakfast. In fact, these are the same reasons given by the parents themselves. However, parents know that breakfast is an important meal of the day. It is the first energy-giver of the day and it helps your child to concentrate in class and stay active during school.

So how do we get them to eat breakfast? Tracy Lew, Corporate Nutrition Advisor of Nestle Malaysia, and consultant dietician Mary Easaw-John share ways to get children to eat breakfast.

Quality, not quantity - The most common reason why children do not want to eat breakfast is that they are not hungry. It is early in the morning and their body needs time to get started. Thus, they have no appetite for breakfast. Besides, some children wake up so early that they are still too sleepy to worry about food.

“It is not quantity but quality that matters,” says Lew. “If your child is not hungry, try to serve a light breakfast without neglecting his nutritional and energy needs.”

“Remember that breakfast is about what your child eats rather than how much he eats. Look at common breakfast fare such as cereals, hot drinks, milk and bread to find out how much nutrients and energy they provide. That way, you can plan a breakfast that is healthy and yet light enough for the times when your child is not hungry in the morning.”

Pack it - Since it may be difficult for children to eat breakfast before they rush off to school, you can prepare something they can take along to eat in the car or in the bus. As children wake up early in the morning, their bodies need a little time to warm up before they feel like eating.

A slice of bread with some fruit is easy enough to pack, and easy for children to eat while on the go. Hot drinks can be made and stored in thermal flasks.

Be a role model - You are the best role model for your children. When they see that you are not eating breakfast, they will feel that breakfast is not important. So the best thing to do is to sit down with them and have a good breakfast together, before work or school.

Parents and kids are often rushing for time in the morning. In the midst of this rush, it is easy to sacrifice breakfast.

“Our kids follow our examples, bad or good,” says Easaw-John. “For our kids to enjoy breakfast, we ourselves must set the example. If you are working, plan your morning ahead so that you don’t rush around the house, giving the impression that breakfast is a chore.”

If you are willing to take it a step further, you can even eat the same food they are having for breakfast.

The night before - A good start to the day begins the night before. The most important tip is to plan ahead, says Easaw-John. “Parents can set a weekly breakfast menu so that the kids can select their breakfast before they go to bed the night before. This way, we won’t be wasting time in the morning trying to figure out what to eat. Parents can also prepare the items in the menu earlier.

“Breakfast is a family event. Planning for breakfast can involve the whole family. Sit your whole family down on a Sunday evening to plan out the breakfast for the week ahead. Kids can help set the table every night before they go to bed.

“Planning ahead for breakfast involves more than just the meal itself. You can encourage your kids to pack their school bags and prepare their clothes the night before. This way, they will have more time in the morning to sit down for a quick breakfast.”

A little time management goes a long way. You can wake up earlier than your children. This will give you time to focus on your daily routine before waking them up. While they are getting ready, you can prepare their breakfast.

You can also prepare a list of things you want your children to do in the morning and reward them when they get certain things done. After a while, these tasks will be second nature to them.

With a plan in place, everything will run smoothly in the morning.

Variety is king - In the midst of the morning rush, parents sometimes tend to stick to a menu that is convenient and easy to prepare. However, kids can get bored fast, especially if they are faced with eating the same thing day in, day out. One way to make breakfast interesting is to vary the menu.

For example, a weekly breakfast menu can be as follows:

Monday: Bread with peanut butter, and a glass of hot drink

Tuesday: Fried meehoon with a glass of beverage

Wednesday: Breakfast cereal with a hot drink, and yoghurt

Thursday: Pau kacang merah with a hot drink, and a slice of papaya

Friday: Sardine sandwich with a hot drink, and a banana

Saturday: Roti canai with a beverage

Sunday: Nasi lemak with a hot drink

The changes are not earth-shattering but a small change will break the routine because your child might not want to eat bread everyday. Some of the meals can be time-consuming to prepare, so you might want to leave that for the weekend and try the easier meals on weekdays.

Make it fun - While changing the menu is good, there are more ways to spice things up in the morning to get your child interested in having breakfast. You can play a role to make sure your child enjoys breakfast every morning. Use special breakfast mugs, their favourite bowls or interesting mats. Lay them out on the table the way they like it or you can ask them to design their own layout the night before.

Rope in the family - Dinner has generally been the time that families get together for a little bonding session. However, breakfast can also be a fun time for the family to get closer to each other.

“As you plan ahead for your child’s breakfast, remember to involve them too,” says Easaw-John. “This way, you get to communicate with your kids and educate them on the importance of nutrition at the same time.”

They can help decide the menu for the week and they can set the tables the night before. This will make breakfast simpler to prepare as you delegate tasks instead of doing everything yourself.

The most important thing about breakfast is that planning ahead is important so that our children will not feel bored or think they do not have enough time for breakfast. A simple nutritious breakfast does not take long to prepare. So enjoy breakfast with your kids!- Parenting Parent

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Kids just as sweet

Parents of children with autism have to grapple with the many misconceptions surrounding the condition.

YONG: “Good Morning! This is Yong. How can I help you?” Amy: “Is this Autism Support Centre?”

Yong: “This is Parents’ Resource for Autism or PR4A. Who am I speaking to?”

Amy: “My name is Amy. I want to ask about autism.”

Yong: “How can I help? Are you a parent?”

Amy: “Yes, I am a parent. I want to know why autistic kids like to beat people.”

Yong: “Amy, how old is your son?”

Amy: “Not my son, I have a daughter and she is in Year One now.”

Yong: “How is she doing in school?”

Amy: “She was beaten on the back by this autistic boy recently. The autistic boy disturbs the class and because of that, she cannot concentrate in class. I want to know if autistic people can hurt people, why they are still allowed in a normal class?”

At that particular moment I was about to give her a piece of my mind and tell her off, but after taking a deep breath and keeping my emotions in check, I started to chat with her for about 90 minutes. I am very happy to say that I have made a new friend of Amy and now she will be another spokesperson on behalf of my two sons who have autism.

Had I told her off, I would have made another enemy and she would not have a nice word for someone who has autism. As parents of children with autism, we have been in situations where we were asked or told the following: “Is autism contagious?” “Are they psychotic?” “Will he hurt people?” and “If he cannot be quiet, please stay at home. You should discipline your kid.”

Apparently the boy in Amy’s daughter’s class has autism and has been teased by his classmates. Kids will be kids. They love to play around without any bad intention. According to Amy, the boy tends to be quiet and usually cannot stand loud noise, so he uses his hand to cover up his ears. Apparently the kids in the class like to tease him because he is different. It comes to a point where he cannot take it anymore and acts to defend himself. Sadly, we only notice his act of self-defence but are blind to what he is going through.

I told Amy that kids with autism are usually victims of verbal and physical abuse. Amy admitted that her daughter likes to tease the boy too. I told Amy that from our experience, they are the sweetest boys and girls in the world. They don’t feel resentment, they don’t feel hatred and they are usually very happy to be within their own space.

Life is stressful for parents of children with autism due to the lack of awareness and public stigma. In fact, it drains the financial resources, and taxes the health and relationships of parents and siblings involved.

Some of my kind friends tried to comfort me saying, “They are going to recover”, “God has a bigger plan for you”. We, the parents, know the future of our children is not going to be so bright.

What we really want is for them to be independent in a society that can accept them for who they are. They may have some disabilities but inside them, they want to be happy and accepted by society.

The not-so-kind ones used to say, “You must have done something wrong in your past life and this is karma”. That really hurts a lot. If I have done anything wrong in my past life or even current life, I should be punished instead. The kids are innocent and should not be paying for my sin. This line of argument comes from friends who do not have much exposure to medical information and awareness about autism.

Hence, anything that is not explainable, they attribute to repercussion. I usually try my best to explain to them about the whole autism issue and hopefully they will have the awareness to help someone in future.

When someone from the medical profession like Dr Amar Singh sparked off a debate on “classical autism” versus “new autism” following an article he wrote in a local newspaper, it naturally upset parents who are trying their best to cope with the situation.

Dr Amar Singh implied that “new autism” is caused by, among other things, lack of family interaction and lack of play. He also pointed out that Chinese children predominate among the cases of “new autism” and that the parents are predominantly from the upper middle-income group that is represented by the affluent, high-flying professionals.
Let me share my side of the story.

When my wife was pregnant with our eldest son, about four weeks into the pregnancy I went to a bookstore and bought a storybook titled 365 Bedtime Stories. For each day of the year, I read the story of the day to my unborn child. On top of that, I also sang nursery rhymes almost every night to my child in his mummy’s womb.

When he was born, I was the one who bathed him every day even though my wife was a stay-at-home mother. His developmental milestones were perfect, and he even won a Baby of the Year contest in 2001.

My house is full of toys, so much so it is like a toyshop. We enrolled him for playgroup every weekend at a play centre. We brought him to the beach and played with mud and sand. Despite all the nurturing, eldest son has autism. My second son is also not spared.

From my experience, I gather that autism does not discriminate. It affects all races, rich and poor alike.

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No fighting

There will be moments when parents and children disagree with one another. Instead of letting this disagreement get out of control and lead to a worse scenario, parents can consider taking a step back.

When there is no opponent, the child will not fight or keep up his argument. No one is defeated or victorious. More importantly, the child learns how to turn something negative into something positive.

Most family battles are fought during mealtimes and bedtime. Parents who insist their preschoolers eat properly at designated times often find themselves in conflict with their children.

One day, as I was going out, I turned to my neighbour’s house and saw her youngest child, a six-year-old with a bowl in her hands, eating away under the hot sun.

My neighbour told me that she had sent her daughter out to eat her lunch after failing to coax her several times to finish her meal without talking and wasting time.

She tried threatening her daughter with the cane if she did not finish all her food. That did not work. So this time, she decided this was the best way to get her to eat without talking.

When preschoolers fight with their parents, their immediate goal is to gain power. The six-year-old who got sent out of the house with her bowl of rice firmly stood her ground.

She would not behave at the table. She displayed her ability to do as she wanted and engaged her mother in battle.

She managed to stop everyone from eating lunch, too. While she ate outside the house, her mother, grandmother and sister stood at the door to watch her. This was sheer power gained on her part.

There are several approaches to this problem. The parent can remove herself from the conflict situation. Instead of constantly nagging her child to eat, the mother can start the mealtime by telling her how long she has to complete her meal.

Once time is up and the food has not been finished, the table will be cleared without a word. The child may have to wait until tea-time or dinner before she can fill her stomach.

To avoid a power struggle, parents can also carry out what they want their children to do firmly without fussing over them. If you want your child to go to bed, just take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom to change into his pyjamas.

Do so without paying attention to any form of whining or protest from your child. Eventually, your child will know that you mean business at bedtime.

When your child starts to whine or seek attention for his misbehaviour, you can walk away without talking. Go to a place in the house where you can have some personal time for a retreat.

Do so every time your child chooses to act up instead of using positive behaviour to get your attention. By physically removing yourself from a potential conflict with your child, you are teaching him that you will only deal with reasonable demands and positive behaviour.

When my girls were preschoolers, I would remove the object they were both fighting over without a word. I would take it with me to my “time-out place” until their screaming stopped. When all was well, I would then make my appearance.

Before things get out of hand, parents can choose to take a step back. This way, when children find themselves in a non-confrontational situation, they will stop acting up because they find it is futile.

When parents choose to withdraw from conflicts with their children, this means that they will only partake in reasonable and positive interaction with their children.

If their children are unreasonable and using negative ways to get what they want, they will not be able to get it. If this withdrawal from potential conflicts with children is practised in the home, the child will soon learn that the only way to get attention is to show cooperation and not fight with his parents.

I remember my second daughter when she was only four years old, telling her father: “You can tell me in a nice way. You do not have to scold me. I will listen to you.”

Her words reflected the many times I had told her to use nice words to let me know what she wanted. Whenever she threw a temper tantrum, I would leave the spot and keep a distance until she calmed down. Later, when everything is over, I would cuddle her or read her a story.

Telling children to behave when they are misbehaving has very little effect on them. When they choose to engage in a battle, they will not listen to any advice. Parents who choose to cooperate with their children when they are not fighting can make a difference in how they interact with other people.

Children will learn that it is the right thing to do when they walk away from their friends who challenge them.

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Needing play

A parent of a child with special needs shares her thoughts on the importance of play.

FOR PARENTS of special needs children, play is a word that is not in our dictionary. To us, free playtime that is unstructured and child-centred, where the child is in control and sets the tone and pace of the activity, has no place in our lives.

Having a child that is constantly way behind the standard developmental milestones, from sitting to walking, talking and writing, I feel I am constantly in a race. A race to get him onto the graph line of that developmental chart.

For parents of developmentally delayed children, that goal is like a lifeline thrown to us as we drift in the uncharted waters of raising a child with learning disability.

Often we feel that if we could only get our child to achieve those parameters, those milestones to assure us that he is growing up normally, then our lives would be normal again.

But more often than not, teaching a special needs child is like going on a rollercoaster ride, with no finishing line in sight. Each step forward seems to come after two steps backwards.

So really, we have no time to allow our children to indulge in free play. Every activity must be structured with an educational slant. Every task he performs must be analysed for its potential learning benefits. And we measure each toy we put into his hands by these standards.

I suppose it is a parenting instinct that when choosing toys for our kids, we often look at the educational value first, before we consider its potential for developing their creativity or imagination.

However, with our special needs child, this urge to promote education and development is so much stronger, causing us to focus on toys for building motor skills, hand-eye coordination or activities to develop his reading, writing and counting abilities.

I have to admit that I was not like that with my other boy, without special needs. He had the benefit of attending playgroups. He indulged in role-playing games. He made all sorts of weird animals from home-cooked playdough. He played ball games. He reared hamsters. He played alone, and with lots of friends. He enjoyed hours of sheer fun.

Looking back now, I realised he had more playtime compared to his special needs brother.

Was it just me, or are all mothers with special needs children just like me?

I didn’t put him into his brother’s mainstream kindergarten which was just down the road from our house. He attended a centre that caters to special needs children.

His toys were mainly puzzles, that he was coaxed to do over and over again, from puzzles with big knobs specially built for little fingers, to two-piece puzzles to 35-piece puzzle sets.

He had a teddy bear-shaped cassette player that was only used to play educational songs. He grew up on flashcards and counting boards.

And when it comes to sports, his swimming sessions were very specific. The objective was to teach him to coordinate left-right leg motions. And that was followed, of course, by left-right hand motions. The fundamental aim of just swimming for the fun of it was lost.

Perhaps that was why he never took to swimming. Because it was really just an exercise and not much fun at all. In my desire to make him achieve those developmental milestones, I had forgotten the true essence of play.

Play in its truest form is just about having fun. The child is usually involved in an enjoyable activity that is often spontaneous yet stimulating.

I recently watched some special kids “dressing up”. With just pieces of colourful fabric, they became pirates, lions, bride, mummy and some cartoon characters. It was fascinating watching them take on their latest interest and stamping their personality on their creation. It was truly role-play from the heart.

Free play can also stimulate curiosity but with our special needs children, it may come with a price. In many cases, the object of their interest is taken apart, sometimes beyond repair.

My son, for instance, is fascinated by anything that twirls and turns. He is fascinated by propellers, by fans.

But buy a helicopter for him and it gets destroyed. He doesn't play with it like his brother would; instead he would hold on to the blades or take it apart to find out why and how it spins.

So helicopters and all mechanical toys that spin were taken off his toy list. And, of course, all the fans in the house had been given his special treatment.

Perhaps if we had let him explore his curiosity in a different way, he would have learnt from it.

But, there I go again, putting a learning tag on any activity that I plan for him.

Again it stems from a fear that if I don’t focus on his self-development, he may never learn enough, in time.

And quite often, parents whose special needs child has extreme behaviours are doubly anxious about early intervention and structured learning sessions.

However, such denial of their need for free playtime stifles their creativity and retards their emotional health.

This is especially true for individuals who have problems expressing their emotions vocally.

Individuals with learning disabilities often have the same emotional needs. They get angry, sad and frustrated just like anyone else. However, they often have problems expressing these negative emotions constructively.

Instead they end up being aggressive, lashing out at others or, more often, inflicting injuries on themselves.

A play therapist once said she sometimes measured the effectiveness of her session with emotionally disturbed children by the number of toys destroyed during the session.

She commented that bashing up toys is a therapeutic session for children who are unable to vocalise their frustrations. Getting them to release these pent-up negative emotions is often the first step, and paves the way towards emotional healing and successful counselling.

Play therapists define play as “a physical or mental leisure activity that is undertaken purely for enjoyment or amusement and has no other objective.”

Frankly, I now feel that we all need to learn to play, that play is not just for children but for everyone, including adults. Unfortunately for various reasons, adults have forgotten how to play, so how can we teach our children to let go, be spontaneous and just play?

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Patience required

I AM a housewife, and I live with my mum and several family members. I have two boys, aged 10 and five. My husband spoils my eldest son by giving in to his every whim. He used to be a very good, obedient and lovable boy until he turned four. Then he became naughty.

When he was about seven, he became very rude and difficult. We scolded him whenever he did something wrong. He would take it out on his grandma and me. He likes to fight with his brother. My husband takes his side and hardly reprimands him for his wrongdoings.

My husband has a terrible temper. We do not get along, and hardly agree on the same things. I find him illogical. He believes in what his mother taught him, that is, to let kids do what they want and give them what they want.

When my husband sees my mother and me scolding my eldest son and smacking him, he takes pity on the boy. He is also prejudiced. He scolds my younger son when he is naughty, but not the older one.

My mother and I feel that as a father, he is too lenient with our eldest son. My husband becomes angry with us after scolding the kids. He picks fights with me. I have told him never to fight in front of the children, but he still does.

When my husband scolds my son, he uses very harsh words and does not explain the wrong my son has committeed.

My son is a smart boy. He was the top student, from Year One to Three. The teachers say he’s cheerful and intelligent. Lately, he ismischievous in school. His grades have dropped and he has become lazy.

My son likes to drag his feet when it comes to completing homework. Recently, he failed one of the tests and was caned by his teacher. After that, he did not want to go to school. He said he hates school and complained that he was having problems with his friends. We scolded him for not going to school and punished him, but he still refused to go. He insisted on changing schools. His behaviour has changed. He cries easily and has become very demanding.

My husband and I will be moving to our own place next month. We will transfer our son to a school near our new home but we are afraid that he might not want to go to the school.

Distraught Mother

Building a positive parent-child relationship requires a great deal of patience and understanding. When parents constantly find fault with their children’s behaviour and keep correcting them, they may make their children feel rejected and unloved. Punishment and scoldings will further discourage them from working on their ability to function effectively.

A child’s behaviour worsens when his needs are not met or when he is facing difficult challenges. In your son’s case, there is a lot in the home front for him to cope with. He has to deal with conflicting parents, as well as a non-supportive extended family.

Your 10-year-old son probably feels despair when family disputes that centre around him occur daily at home.

If you want to help change your son’s attitude and build his confidence, you must first start with yourself and your relationship with your husband.

Consider your concerns and attitude towards your son first, before you respond to his behaviour. In many cases, a parent who is overly-concerned about a child’s performance can cause him to have difficulties at school. Your reprimands and punishment accentuate the problem, rather than correct it.

Work out your differences with your spouse without involving your children. Even if you disagree on many things, you must show respect when dealing with your children’s well-being.

Young children have a strong need to be proud of their parents. They feel hurt when their parents say unpleasant things about one another. For successful parenting, work on family integration rather than promote competition.

A child’s behaviour is influenced by that of others. Parents are not the only ones who should be responsible for their children’s behaviour. When there is a problem in the family, it should not only be the mother or father who has to deal with it. Children should also learn to be responsible and help out in the family.

The whole family, including the child himself, needs to help solve the problem. When faced with a problem, get the whole family to sit down together to discuss possible solutions.

Every member has an opportunity to put forward his or her ideas and be heard. This way, you can reach out to your son, without frustration and anger.

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Not keen on kindy

Some children may need help to settle down in kindergarten.

MY daughter will be five in July. She has just entered kindergarten. She’s very noisy and boisterous at home, and bullies her younger brother. But when she is outside, she is very shy. She refuses to talk or even answer questions.

In kindergarten, she doesn’t participate in class activities. She finds the activities overwhelming. She is reluctant to go to school and insists that I sit beside her. When the teacher takes her aside and talks to her, she is very friendly. She seems to enjoy one-to-one conversation. When I ask her why she doesn’t want to talk, she says she is shy.

How can I help her open up? I don’t want this to go on day after day. – Mother of Two

Children need to believe that they can achieve what they set out to do. They also need their parents and teachers to communicate that belief to them. They learn to have a positive attitude from the adults around them.

For children to discover their strengths, they need the adults around them to value their individuality and acknowledge that they do things differently. Your daughter may have a different personality from that of your son, and she handles her fears differently from other children.

Acknowledge her for who she is. Being shy is not a sign of weakness. She may be more aware of things than other children – hence her apprehension to speak up or participate in school activities for the time being. She will not answer questions she is not ready for.

Parents and teachers can reassure children that they can succeed in their struggles by sending them positive messages about who they are and what they are doing. Helping children to do the right thing is not about correcting them when they make mistakes. They need guidance as well as emotional support for their efforts.

Your daughter has just started kindergarten. She is wary of her new school environment and the people there. As time passes, she will eventually adapt to the school routine and social circle. Her reserved behaviour may only be temporary. She will be ready in her own time.

Avoid labelling her as shy or stubborn. This may diminish her self-confidence and make her feel inadequate. With a little brother at home, she may constantly feel that she is in competition for attention and affection.

Do not make comparisons. It may make her feel unloved for who she is. She may develop low self-worth and think that she is not good enough.

Say something positive about her every day. Parenting so often involves the need to correct, to discipline and to judge. You may go through a day easily without having said anything nice to your eldest child. It is worth your while to say something nice to her. She may, in turn, do the same to her younger brother.

You may want to spend one-on-one time with your daughter. Read to her and ask her what she thinks of the story. Listen and talk with her to find out how she feels about being in school and at home.

Exchange ideas with your child on what to do in school and at home. If she has difficulty speaking up in school, do some pretend play with her. Give her a script that she can use and help her to practise her lines. As she gains confidence, she will start using her own words.

We do not always have the right answers as parents, but we have the skills to solve problems. Show your daughter various ways she can handle difficulties in school. She can learn from you how to get positive attention from her teacher and friends on a daily basis.

Children like to be praised for what they can do. If you give her encouraging words for her effort in an activity, she may feel she has succeeded because she has tried. Eventually, as she becomes more skilled and experienced, you may see startling results.

While your daughter is adjusting to life in kindergarten, do expect ups and downs along the way. Her fears and frustration in the early days will slowly disappear when she knows that you are not angry or upset with her. Stay calm and in control even when things are rough. Your daughter will appreciate your effort and understanding in helping her through this challenging time.

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Focus on strengths

Children are hoping to find acceptance for their good qualities.

I HAVE two children, aged seven (boy) and four (girl). My son is in Year One in a Chinese school and my girl is in kindergarten. I find it hard coaching or guiding my son as he is very stubborn and extremely playful. I have even received complaints from his teacher about his playfulness in class.

Every time I lose patience with him, I would shout loudly and also use the cane on him. After that, I feel extremely bad. I have tried not to act this way but he just does not do things properly and will often refuse to do what he needs to (for example, his homework, eat his dinner, bathe) if I do not use force him.

He has complained to me, saying that I always scold him. I have explained to him why but it only worked for two days and then he went back to his bad behaviour. I tried talking gently to him but it does not work. Tell me what can I do. I need your guidance- Worried mother

Your seven-year-old is going through many changes in his life. He can do many things on his own and is going through rapid development of mental skills. This is a critical time for your son to develop confidence in all areas of life, such as making friends, doing schoolwork and playing sports. He can be quite independent if he wants to.

You need to shift your parenting gears to help him develop the skills needed in middle childhood. Start by showing him some respect for being a Year One pupil. Your tone of voice and behaviour towards him must be different to how you treat your younger child.

Work out a timetable with your son on how he should spend his time after school. If he keeps on schedule, he can get more playtime instead of extra coaching time. Children like to be rewarded for their effort. This reinforces their positive behaviour.

Children in their middle childhood years are more sensitive to how they are treated. Your constant scolding and punishment will only make matters worse. Your son resents your lack of patience with him. Instead of changing for the better, he may act badly just to spite you.

Spend more time focusing on what he is doing well. He needs to know his strengths and good qualities. What you say and do with him can boost his confidence in his skills.

I AM a mother of three children, aged eight, six and two. My second daughter will be be in Year One next year and my husband insists that she attends Chinesemedium school. I have heard a lot about the heavy homework load she would have to endure. My daughter is very active and cannot concentrate for long periods.

When asked to do homework from her kindergarten, she throws tantrums before she starts doing her work.

Sometimes she takes an hour to finish one page of mathematics or her colouring homework.

Sometimes I need to scream at her or threaten her with a cane. But then, she will start crying and take a really long time to finish her homework. She has enough time for play and TV. She is a smart girl and we always reward her for doing well in school by giving her what she wants.

Her teachers from school and other learning centres feel that she talks too much during class and does not concentrate. She is very loving to her little brother but not to my older girl, who has special needs. Some mothers think I pay too much attention to my other children. I am still breastfeeding my son.

My eldest daughter is in an international school and I have thought of putting my second girl in a private school. Should I just learn how to let go and allow her to learn at her own pace? She can’t read yet but if her teacher has read a storybook to her, she can actually memorise it.

I am trying to read storybooks with her every night to enhance her reading skill but there are times when I need to be with my other children. Should I just let my second girl be in private school where there is less homework or let her choose her school? – Mother of three

Before you decide on which school to send your middle child to, you should focus on her present situation. From your description, she sounds like a child who can easily adapt to different environments and can achieve good results in her work.

As for her lack of concentration when doing her homework, she will change as she matures. To get her ready for primary school, she needs your attention to guide her on the right path. Preparing for school takes more than just knowing the 3Rs. She needs to be emotionally prepared too.

Give her some personal oneon- one time and focus on her interests. Do not insist on her doing what you think is right but marvel at her little achievements that only she can do.

Middle children tend to struggle a great deal to get attention in the sibling cauldron. She is not the first born with the special needs nor can she compete with her breast-feeding toddler brother.

Your second daughter may constantly try to find acceptance for what she can do. Sometimes, this struggle may end up in negative behaviour. Find time to show her that she matters and tell her that you notice how hard she tries to do the right thing.

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Good dietary habits

Your children’s daily experiences with food will shape the way they view nutrition.

SIX-year-old Kumar is a happy and healthy kid, but when it comes to mealtimes, he often eats nothing but yellow noodles for weeks on end. No rice, no vegetables, just yellow noodles. Once in a while, to break the monotony, Kumar has some peanuts.

Anne, Kumar’s playmate, is quite the opposite. When her mother prepares noodles, she insists on rice. When mum prepares rice, she’ll ask for bread. Her mum has become so frantic that she arranges special meals for Anne while the rest of the family has their regular meals.

Anne’s best friend, Laili, refuses to eat anything remotely green. She screams when she sees veggies on her plate, and throws tantrums when given green apples. Her mum has given up bribing the five-year-old with candies and toys to get her to eat her greens.

Do any of your children behave like Kumar, Anne or Laili when it’s time to eat? If they do, don’t worry. Eating can be a chore for many children between the ages of one and 10. In fact, 45% of children face one problem or another during mealtimes.

There are all sorts of reasons why children become selective eaters. It could be due to a lack of familiarity with food or insufficient food variety and/or quality. It may be because your children are distracted during mealtimes. Your children could also be asserting their new-found independence. Perhaps they’re frightened by some kinds of food.

Children often look up to their parents. Are you setting the right example for your kids in terms of food choices and mealtime habits? Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you generally eat an unhealthy diet that’s high in fat and low in fibre?
• Do you eat out more often than you eat in, as a family?
• Do you snack in front of the TV instead of having a proper meal at the dining table?
• Do you make negative comments about foods you dislike in front of your kids?
• Do you have second or third helpings despite feeling full?
• Do you habitually skip meals, especially breakfast?

As parents, you have a responsibility to teach your children good eating habits and about nutrition. It starts with you practising good habits yourself. Your children won’t perceive healthy eating to be a priority if it isn’t something they see you doing.

Understanding the basics

It’s important that you understand the basics of good nutrition yourself. Having sufficient knowledge about nutrition enables you to model the right habits and behaviour, and motivate your children to do the same. Not sure where to start? The Food Pyramid Guide is the most widely accepted reference on healthy eating. Read it and understand its key principles.

Regular family mealtimes

One simple and effective way to instil good eating habits in your kids is to start having meals together as a family. Eating together encourages your children to be more receptive to food and increases their food choices. They also learn portion control, since there’s only so much food placed on the table for everybody. Create a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere around the dining table.

Clean up your fridge

If your refrigerator is stocked with chips, fast foods, fizzy drinks and sweets, it’s time to rethink your food choices. Make a healthy statement by stocking on more fruits and vegetables. If you need snacks in the house, stock up on wholesome ones such as wholegrain crackers, wholemeal sandwiches, cereals, milk and yoghurt. Make these healthy snacks visible and easily accessible to your kids.

Everything in moderation

Watch your eating habits because your children are watching them too! The key principle here is to take everything in moderation, whether it is a sweet dessert or wine after dinner. Watch your portions and maintain a good variety in the types of foods that you eat.

Have fun being active

Good nutrition isn’t just about what or how much you eat. It’s also about being physically active. Incorporate physical activity into your daily routine. The key is to have fun. Once your children see you living and enjoying the active lifestyle, they will follow suit.

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Helping with homework

It’s necessary in the learning process, but homework doesn’t have to be a dreaded task.

ONCE your child enters school, even at kindergarten level, homework becomes the focus in the family. Parents worry that their children who do not do their homework will end up with disastrous results in school learning. Some educators believe that children who do homework as early as kindergarten do better in school.

Homework definitely has a place in children’s learning. At its best, it reinforces skill practice in reading, writing and maths without the teacher’s direct supervision. Children learn to develop independent study and organisation skills when doing their homework.

On the flip side, homework in the form of “drill work” can bring about behavioural problems in children in their primary grades. Many children overwhelmed by school demands and lack of rest throw temper tantrums out of frustration.

Here's a real example. An early primary grade child was given 15 pages of writing to complete and submit to the teacher the following day. She also had to complete homework in other subjects the same day. Failing to complete the assigned homework would make the teacher angry.

Homework should be the child’s work and not the parents’. But when it is too much for the child to manage, parents can step in with guidance and encouragement. If parents feel that the child has been given too much homework, they should bring it up with the teacher. Do not complain to your child. You may not be able to change the school policy on homework and undermining the teacher or the assignments can only make matters worse.

Here are a few dos and don’ts on how parents can help with homework:

Dos

• Children need rest and food before they start on their homework. Organise the homework session at a time when both parent and child have had some rest and are not feeling hungry. If parents work late, the child should complete what she can independently and consult the parents with the rest when they are home.

• Do not make your child sit and do homework for long periods of time. Take short breaks. You have to remember that children who have had a full day at school will be physically and mentally tired when they get home. Take it easy with the homework schedule.

• Set up a homework timetable. Put the fun stuff in the schedule too. Your Year One child will look forward to these activities when she has finished her homework. Be flexible with the homework schedule. School subjects are scheduled on different days of the week. This means, when there is a heavy workload, your child can complete her task at a later time and not have to rush through every piece of homework in one sitting. Talk to the teacher if your child is having a hard time completing her homework.

• Make your homework timetable eye-catching. If attractive menus work for customers in restaurants, I am sure your child will enjoy looking at her favourite cartoon characters or pop stars decorating her schedule and dread doing her homework less.

• On days when your child does not have homework, you can still help her out with some revision, even if it is just for 20 minutes. Or you can read a book together or work out some maths puzzles. When she has a stretch of days without any homework, you can give her a day off as well.

• When you are helping your child learn a subject, try to make it fun. Don’t make it a chore. She does not need extra worksheets from you when she has completed her schoolwork. If your child is learning English, do some role-playing so that shecan practise the language in a fun way. Sing songs or read her stories in English to enhance her learning.

• Make sure your child has a comfortable and fun environment to do her homework. Keep distractions such as the TV or computer games away. Have some light refreshments ready for an occasional break. Good lighting and a cool atmosphere can help with your child’s concentration.

• Children need praise and lots of understanding from their parents. No two children are alike in their speed in doing homework. Avoid comparing your children. Offer positive remarks to each child individually whenever you notice them putting effort into their work.

• At exam time, children become nervous and tense because they worry that they will fail miserably and disappoint their parents. To lessen children’s anxiety, you may want to encourage them to learn different things to develop their skills. Children who are confident with learning skills tend to cope better in tests and exams.

Dont

• Do not do your child’s homework for her. You may think that you are helping her but you are actually putting her at a disadvantage. She will be dependent on you to a certain extent. Her teachers will not know what she is having difficulty with and will not be able to help her when they cannot gauge her progress. You can help by going through her papers when she is done.

• Do not punish your child if she makes mistakes in her homework or tests. Everyone makes mistakes. Trial and error is often the best way to learn. If you want her to learn, do not demand that she gets a perfect score. Do not call her “stupid” or “careless” when she makes mistakes that she shouldn’t. Children need a balance of work and play. It is up to parents to help organise this in their daily lives. You can schedule an hour or two for outdoor games and play so that your children can have some fun. More importantly, parents must get children to learn to take responsibility for their own tasks.

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Making food enjoyable

Tips to get your child to eat right for healthy growth.

WHAT can a parent to do if a child refuses to eat certain foods or insists on eating only one or two types of food for days or weeks?

For many children, especially those between the ages of one and 10, eating can be a chore. In fact, studies show that up to 45% of children have problems during mealtimes. Below are eight common mealtime problems and tips to help you overcome them.

1. My child won’t eat anything but white rice! He’s been like this for the past two weeks. What can I do?

The insistence on eating only a certain kind of food is known as “food jags”. This happens to many children, but there’s no need to be alarmed. Coax, persuade or even tease them to eat something from each major food group. If your children are adamant about eating only fried rice for a week, try chopping up a variety of vegetables into various sizes and shapes and sneaking the greens into the rice. Also, you can add some protein foods such as chicken and beef pieces, prawn, eggs, sausages, or fish balls.

2. How can I get my two children to eat vegetables? They won’t touch anything green.

This problem could be because your children weren’t properly introduced to vegetables during the complementary feeding stage. When faced with this situation, try serving different kinds of vegetables that are cooked or prepared in various ways. Be creative and serve them in interesting, unexpected ways. You could also lead by example: eat vegetables in front of your children and make it obvious that you’re enjoying every mouthful.

3. My four-year-old son eats very little. Should I be concerned?

Not if this occurs occasionally and he’s growing well. Children have smaller stomachs, and three main meals may be more than they can handle. Try smaller portions at frequent intervals, or three small main meals and two to three well-spaced snacks throughout the day. This ensures he gets enough nutrients and energy. Think quality, not quantity – a small serving of nutritious food is more beneficial than a big helping of empty calories. Focus on what he is eating instead of how much. If your son’s poor appetite is prolonged, however, and he exhibits weight loss, he may require medical assessment.

4. My daughter’s appetite is so erratic – one day she’ll eat, the next day she won’t. Shouldn’t she be eating the same amount every day?

Variations in appetite are normal; they occur in children as well as adults. It’s good, however, to find out if your daughter likes food prepared in certain ways (for example, scrambled egg as opposed to hard-boiled). If she likes foods in a certain way, you can try preparing other foods in the same manner and see how receptive she is.

5. My children would rather run around and play than eat their food.

Your children are growing up and discovering the world around them. Unfortunately, this could lead to a temporary loss of interest in eating. This is perfectly normal and isn’t a cause for concern. However, if the problem persists and your children aren’t growing well, you may want to ask a doctor, dietician or nutritionist for help.

6. My son loves to keep food in his mouth instead of swallowing it. How can I stop him from doing this?

This could arise because your son is distracted during mealtimes. Is the TV on during lunch? Are toys strewn all over the dining table during dinner? Removing these distractions and ensuring a calm eating environment might help address the problem. Make eating the primary focus and make it enjoyable. Another reason could be that your son has had enough to eat. Are you giving him too big spoonfuls of food? Are you feeding him with adult-sized spoons? Use child-friendly cutlery instead. It helps if your child has his meal together with the whole family.

7. I try to keep my children’s mealtimes regular but sometimes it’s tough when a mealtime comes around and they’re not hungry. What can I do?

Check if your children have been munching on high-sugar or high-calorie snacks all day long. Make sure they’re also not filling up on milk and juice between meals as this could ruin their appetites. As a rule, snacks should not be given less than 1½-2 hours before a main meal.

8. Why is my child giving me such a hard time?

Mealtime problems crop up for a variety of reasons – a lack of familiarity with new foods, distractions or illness. Your children are at the age where they begin to assert their independence. They want to make their own food choices and test the limits set by their parents. This usually happens at the age of two years when they become more independent and their response to everything you want them to do (and eat) is met with a defiant “No”.

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Growth rates

Monitor your child’s weight and height regularly to assess if he is receiving the right nutrition to grow and develop well.

AS a paediatrician, I often have parents approaching me with many questions about their children’s growth. One mother was concerned about how small her son looks compared with other kids in his class, while another was worried that her daughter’s picky eating habits would affect her growth in the long run. Just the other day, a couple wondered if their son’s rapid weight gain was a sign that he would have weight problems later on as a teenager.

As parents, we are all concerned about our children’s growth, especially during their formative years. However, questions on your child's growth cannot be answered off the bat as every child grows at his or her own rate. Comparing your children with someone else’s isn’t a reliable way of gauging growth and could lead to unnecessary worry. What you can do is keep an eye on how they’re growing and this is best done using the growth (or anthropometric) chart.

Growth charts enable parents to track their children’s growth over time and monitor how they are growing in relation to other children in that same age group. By using a growth chart to plot your child’s growth, you can detect under-nutrition, overweight and obesity, and other growth-related conditions and address them at an early stage.

There are different weight and height charts relative to age for boys and girls because their growth rates and patterns differ.

Children aged two years and above should have their weight and height measured every six months. All you need is a reliable weighing scale, a measuring board (e.g. a measuring tape properly stuck to the wall from the floor level) and the appropriate weight-for-age and height-for-age growth charts. Visit mypositiveparenting.org/growth-charts.htmor who.int/childgrowthto download and print the latest World Health Organisation growth charts. Specific instructions are available online to show you how to properly measure your children’s height, weight and how to plot your results on the chart.

Just because a reading is high or low on the chart doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s a problem. Growth charts are designed to show your child’s growth patterns over time. This is more important than what his weight or height is at any one time.

After the first two years of life (when growth is the most rapid), children should grow along the same percentile. For instance, if your child’s weight is within the 15th percentile, he should be gaining weight steadily within the 15th percentile throughout. It is cause for concern if his weight were to drop suddenly or gradually.

Growth disturbances

How well your child grows is influenced by several factors, namely nutrition, genetics and hormones. Here are some things to watch out for when plotting your child’s weight and height:

Sudden weight drop or spike

The first thing to look at is your child's nutrition. Is he eating well? Is he lacking any nutrients? Apart from nutrition, parents should see if their children have any illnesses like urinary tract infections, a chronic illness or if they’ve just recovered from an episode of diarrhoea. All these things can cause weight loss. If the height of the child has crossed the centile lines, he may have a chronic illness.

Overweight

If your child’s weight is above the 85th percentile, it means your child is overweight. It’s also useful to look at your child’s weight gain trends. For instance, he was within the 50th percentile a year ago and the figure climbed up to the 60th percentile three months later and up to the 70th percentile in another three months. This clearly means an increasing weight problem.

Underweight

A weight measurement below the 15th percentile is a sign of underweight. Similar to the point above, if your child’s weight seems to be declining at each measurement.

Too tall

Is your child unusually tall for his age? This is rare and may be due to genetic factors or hormone problems.

Too short

Being short isn’t necessarily a problem as a child’s height is often influenced by his parents’ heights. However, you may be concerned if your child doesn’t register any height increases for two consecutive measurements.

In such cases, parents should bring their children to the paediatrician for a more thorough examination. The paediatrician will be able to detect if there’s something seriously wrong with your child and address the problem early on.

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What’s your child eating?

Meeting your child’s daily nutritional needs.

WHAT exactly is a healthy diet? It is one that has variety and balance. This is important because various foods provide different nutrients and in different amounts, and your child needs them to grow and develop healthily.

The principle of variety and balance can be seen in the Food Guide Pyramid – the essential reference for a healthy diet for young children between two and six years old.

Let’s start from the base of the pyramid – carbohydrates. These foods are good sources of energy and should make up the bulk of your child’s diet. Filling, nutritious and yet low in fat, many carbohydrate foods also provide fibre, minerals and vitamins.

The following are some examples of one serving of carbohydrate foods: 1 cup of porridge; ½ a chapatti; ½ cup of cooked rice; ½ cup of noodles; 1 slice of bread. Do vary the types of carbohydrate foods your child gets.

Let half of your child’s total carbohydrate intake come from whole grain cereal and cereal products as they are high in fibre. Do not assume that carbohydrate foods are rich in fibre just because they are brown in colour.

If your child refuses to eat whole grain foods, try combining with non-whole grain alternatives. Pair a slice of ordinary white bread with a slice of whole grain bread to make a sandwich. Mix white and brown rice.

Move one level up the Food Guide Pyramid and you have vegetables and fruits. These provide the vitamins and minerals required to build a strong immune system and ensure overall well-being.

Offer your child vegetables and fruits, the more colourful the better! Dark green (leafy vegetables), light green (pears), orange (carrots), red (tomatoes), yellow (bananas) ? let your child enjoy them all.

Fruits are best eaten fresh and whole. If you decide to give your child fruit juice, make sure it is fresh with no added sugar. Limit your child’s intake of packaged juices and fruit drinks that are high in sugar.

Many parents find that children are more receptive to fruits than vegetables. However, it is important that you give both fruits and vegetables as you cannot substitute one for the other.

Fish, lean meat, poultry, egg, beans and other bean products are good sources of protein. Many of these foods are also rich in iron, a mineral that your child needs to obtain from his diet as his iron reserves have started to deplete since he stopped breastfeeding.

Examples of one serving include 1 medium-sized chicken drumstick; 1 cup of beans; 2 matchbox-sized pieces of lean meat. However, excess protein is converted to fat and stored in the body, so give protein-rich foods in moderation. Go for lean or low-fat meat. Serve it baked, broiled or grilled instead of fried, and always discard the skin.

Your child should receive protein from animal and plant sources. Include beans, bean products and pulses in your child’s food.

Milk and dairy products are to be taken moderately. They are excellent sources of calcium and are also good sources of protein, vitamins and minerals. Examples of one serving include 1 cup of milk; 1 cup of yoghurt; or 1 slice of cheese.

Your child needs fats for physical and mental development, so go for full cream milk. Avoid sweetened condensed milk and evaporated milk which have low nutritional value.

The Food Guide Pyramid doesn’t state serving sizes for “fats, oils, sweets and salt” because consumption should be kept to a minimum. So watch your child’s intake of fats and oils as excess can lead to being overweight and other health problems.

Sugar-laden foods are high in calories and most tend to be low in nutrients, so limit your child’s intake. Salt is required in small amounts and excess is unhealthy. Try not to add salt to foods. Avoid processed meats (for example, sausages and luncheon meats), and salty snack foods (for example, chips).

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