parenting parent

Precious moments

2011-12-22T02:44:00.000-08:00

Quiet time can enhance a child’s development.CHILDREN need time and space to grow happily and healthily. One may say, all children have is time. But things have changed a great deal for children in our society. The idea that children have their own time to do what they want does not hold true anymore. Every minute of their time is being stretched and occupied with some kind of structured learning programme. There are no free moments for relaxation and pondering.

Parents of kindergarten kids are concerned that their children cannot cope with Year One and send them for tuition classes. A private tutor related this to me: One student, a three-year-old child, has been with her since she was two. Lately, her mother finds her unmotivated. She does not want to sit down for lessons anymore. She just wants to walk around and look at things. Her mother is worried that she will not be able to be on par with her peers. Her private tutor was told to encourage her to do more lessons so that she will stay ahead of her peers.

Many parents are worried that their children’s preschool education cannot prepare them for formal schooling. They tend to pressure their children to take on more than they can handle. Many children at a very young age complain that they are tired. These children are not only tired physically but emotionally and spiritually, too.

A child’s spiritual development means more than just teaching him to observe a specific religion. It is the basic human energy from which we draw meaning in our lives. Children need to be in touch with nature and realise their place in the world.

Children are gifted with a natural spiritual sense. According to Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick, author of Something More, Nurturing Your Child’s Spiritual Growth: “The greatest challenge we all face as spiritual nurturers is to become attuned to the young child’s authentic spirituality which, unlike our own, is such an integrated part of life. Children’s exuberant spirituality is reflected in everything they do. A child shows us the extraordinary in the ordinary.”

To keep this wonderful gift in children, parents must nurture its very presence and provide an environment in which it can flourish. Children need time to remain silent and calm. Growing up in a noisy world where traffic, the TV, computer and the radio is everywhere, children have little chance of experiencing what silence is all about. Silence is very important to a child’s spiritual growth. They need silence to know more about themselves and their world.

So whenever possible, take your three-year-old out hand in hand, for a walk in the garden or a stroll in the park. Sit down on a patch of grass and close your eyes without saying a word. Moments like these can allow your child to notice more things in her environment. She may tell you: “I hear the birds singing.” Or “I hear the wind talking to me.”

One primary child complained that he had too many classes to attend and had no time for himself. His mother asked him what he wanted to do so that he would be happy. He responded: “Nothing. I want to do nothing.”

When children are bombarded with all kinds of activities, they feel themselves “drowning” and are not able to understand the purpose of pages of writing. He only does his work to avoid punishment. Eventually, he will lose all motivation to learn because he sees no purpose in it.

Children who spend hours in front of the television and the computer find it hard to cope with the world of nature and appreciate the beauty around them. It is important that parents foster the sense of awe and wonder in children before they are numb to what is in our world. During a parenting session, I asked parents to allow their children to hug a tree.

One lady in the audience immediately responded: “The trees are full of ants. It is too unhealthy to do it.” Our children today are kept away from nature because parents feel they gain nothing from it.

Childhood is a time when children can be children, not miniature adults who have to maximise their time to fit in so many things. It is every child’s right to discover the world in his own time. He does not need to rush through things in order to stay ahead.

When things get tough and rough for children, they should be allowed to take their time to just stare at the sky.

Whatever wife lectures the violent baffle.

Parenting Parent - A family affair

2009-06-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

Parenting Parent - NO time, no appetite and nothing to eat are the most common reasons that we hear when children skip breakfast. In fact, these are the same reasons given by the parents themselves. However, parents know that breakfast is an important meal of the day. It is the first energy-giver of the day and it helps your child to concentrate in class and stay active during school.

So how do we get them to eat breakfast? Tracy Lew, Corporate Nutrition Advisor of Nestle Malaysia, and consultant dietician Mary Easaw-John share ways to get children to eat breakfast.

Quality, not quantity - The most common reason why children do not want to eat breakfast is that they are not hungry. It is early in the morning and their body needs time to get started. Thus, they have no appetite for breakfast. Besides, some children wake up so early that they are still too sleepy to worry about food.

“It is not quantity but quality that matters,” says Lew. “If your child is not hungry, try to serve a light breakfast without neglecting his nutritional and energy needs.”

“Remember that breakfast is about what your child eats rather than how much he eats. Look at common breakfast fare such as cereals, hot drinks, milk and bread to find out how much nutrients and energy they provide. That way, you can plan a breakfast that is healthy and yet light enough for the times when your child is not hungry in the morning.”

Pack it - Since it may be difficult for children to eat breakfast before they rush off to school, you can prepare something they can take along to eat in the car or in the bus. As children wake up early in the morning, their bodies need a little time to warm up before they feel like eating.

A slice of bread with some fruit is easy enough to pack, and easy for children to eat while on the go. Hot drinks can be made and stored in thermal flasks.

Be a role model - You are the best role model for your children. When they see that you are not eating breakfast, they will feel that breakfast is not important. So the best thing to do is to sit down with them and have a good breakfast together, before work or school.

Parents and kids are often rushing for time in the morning. In the midst of this rush, it is easy to sacrifice breakfast.

“Our kids follow our examples, bad or good,” says Easaw-John. “For our kids to enjoy breakfast, we ourselves must set the example. If you are working, plan your morning ahead so that you don’t rush around the house, giving the impression that breakfast is a chore.”

If you are willing to take it a step further, you can even eat the same food they are having for breakfast.

The night before - A good start to the day begins the night before. The most important tip is to plan ahead, says Easaw-John. “Parents can set a weekly breakfast menu so that the kids can select their breakfast before they go to bed the night before. This way, we won’t be wasting time in the morning trying to figure out what to eat. Parents can also prepare the items in the menu earlier.

“Breakfast is a family event. Planning for breakfast can involve the whole family. Sit your whole family down on a Sunday evening to plan out the breakfast for the week ahead. Kids can help set the table every night before they go to bed.

“Planning ahead for breakfast involves more than just the meal itself. You can encourage your kids to pack their school bags and prepare their clothes the night before. This way, they will have more time in the morning to sit down for a quick breakfast.”

A little time management goes a long way. You can wake up earlier than your children. This will give you time to focus on your daily routine before waking them up. While they are getting ready, you can prepare their breakfast.

You can also prepare a list of things you want your children to do in the morning and reward them when they get certain things done. After a while, these tasks will be second nature to them.

With a plan in place, everything will run smoothly in the morning.

Variety is king - In the midst of the morning rush, parents sometimes tend to stick to a menu that is convenient and easy to prepare. However, kids can get bored fast, especially if they are faced with eating the same thing day in, day out. One way to make breakfast interesting is to vary the menu.

For example, a weekly breakfast menu can be as follows:

Monday: Bread with peanut butter, and a glass of hot drink

Tuesday: Fried meehoon with a glass of beverage

Wednesday: Breakfast cereal with a hot drink, and yoghurt

Thursday: Pau kacang merah with a hot drink, and a slice of papaya

Friday: Sardine sandwich with a hot drink, and a banana

Saturday: Roti canai with a beverage

Sunday: Nasi lemak with a hot drink

The changes are not earth-shattering but a small change will break the routine because your child might not want to eat bread everyday. Some of the meals can be time-consuming to prepare, so you might want to leave that for the weekend and try the easier meals on weekdays.

Make it fun - While changing the menu is good, there are more ways to spice things up in the morning to get your child interested in having breakfast. You can play a role to make sure your child enjoys breakfast every morning. Use special breakfast mugs, their favourite bowls or interesting mats. Lay them out on the table the way they like it or you can ask them to design their own layout the night before.

Rope in the family - Dinner has generally been the time that families get together for a little bonding session. However, breakfast can also be a fun time for the family to get closer to each other.

“As you plan ahead for your child’s breakfast, remember to involve them too,” says Easaw-John. “This way, you get to communicate with your kids and educate them on the importance of nutrition at the same time.”

They can help decide the menu for the week and they can set the tables the night before. This will make breakfast simpler to prepare as you delegate tasks instead of doing everything yourself.

The most important thing about breakfast is that planning ahead is important so that our children will not feel bored or think they do not have enough time for breakfast. A simple nutritious breakfast does not take long to prepare. So enjoy breakfast with your kids!- Parenting Parent

A well-planned holiday can be fun and educational for junior.

2008-12-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

A FAMILY holiday, even a short one, will do everyone some good. Mundane routine gives way to spontaneity and excitement. For your toddler, holidays can be educational as well. His first encounter with the sea or his maiden ascent to a mountain resort provides many rich experiences for his development.

Nevertheless, to ensure maximum enjoyment and minimum hassle, some preparation and forethought are necessary. Picking the right kind of holiday is important.
Theme parks provide children with endless hours of fun.

Destination of choice

Ocean cruises may become frightening for toddlers when the sea turns rough. A five-city tour is too taxing for someone so young. A holiday that revolves around museums, art galleries and heritage sites will literally bore toddlers to tears. So will one that weaves in and out of shops and more shops.

Ultimately, the best choice may be a one-destination holiday that allows the family to unwind in a family-oriented resort while scheduling some kids’ activities into the itinerary.

Immunisation

If you are planning a trip abroad, find out from your doctor whether immunisation is required. You can find helpful information on potential hazards associated with international travel and ways to minimise health risks from the World Health Organization’s site at www.who.int/ith/en/index.html.

If your child suffers from allergies like eczema or asthma, the local weather should also be taken into consideration as you do not want to trigger a skin flare-up or asthma attack on vacation.

Safety first

Regardless of the mode of transport, safety should be uppermost in your mind. If you are driving, make sure your child uses a safety seat. If you are flying, it would be safer, albeit more expensive, for the child to have his own seat and be buckled up during air turbulence instead of merely being held by mummy.

If your child is prone to motion sickness, avoid giving him fizzy drinks, sour fruits and juices like orange and pineapple prior to and during travel. Discourage him from reading when travelling as this aggravates motion sickness.

If he travels poorly, ask your doctor for advice beforehand. And remember to pack some plastic bags, lots of wipes, a change of clothes, and a bottle of water in a tote bag for cleaning up should your little one vomit.

Food matters

Food can be a major problem for travelling toddlers. They may not be keen to try the local cuisine or the food may be unsuitable for them.

You might want to pack along your child’s favourite cereals so junior can enjoy a familiar and nutritious meal.

During the vacation, make sure junior gets enough water, fruits and vegetables as he may become constipated due to the change in routine and a lack of exercise.

You can stave off traveller’s diarrhoea by eating well-cooked foods, especially meats, washing fruits thoroughly, consuming only pasteurised fruit juices and milk, and observing good hygiene like washing hands properly before eating. Always choose clean eateries.

Boredom busters

Whether your little one is cruising in the air, sight-seeing in a foreign land or chugging along in a train, a tantrum may erupt and cause annoyance to others. Try to avoid tantrums by making sure that your child is not hungry, tired or bored. Have on hand nutritious snacks when meals are not available on demand. Encourage him to nap.

Pack a few of his favourite toys to occupy him. If you are driving to your holiday destination, let the whole family stretch their legs at rest stops along the way. Some rest stops have playgrounds. Allow your toddler to play a while as the exercise and fresh air will improve his mood.

Fun activities

What are some of the activities that toddlers enjoy during vacation? An all-time favourite is the local beach where junior can play with sand and water or blow soap bubbles into the sea breeze.

Remember to use sun protection cream on junior as children’s delicate skin burns easily.

Another must do is a fun-filled day at a theme park, enjoying endless rides and games. If your destination boasts of a zoo, farm or orchard that is open to visitors, do slot in a visit. Most kids love watching animals and these visits are educational, too. Sight-seeing may interest little minds but do not cramp too many attractions in a day as over-stimulation and fatigue may make your toddler crabby.

Every wise decision, from choosing a child-friendly hotel to packing comfortable clothes and down to allowing junior’s teddy bear to tag along, helps to make the holiday an enjoyable one for the whole family.

Fatty liver disease warning signs

2008-12-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

NON-ALCOHOLIC fatty liver disease often has no early symptoms in children or adults, but a fat belly is one signal. And diabetes, high cholesterol, high triglycerides or heart problems often accompany the disease.

As fatty liver disease worsens, these symptoms can appear:

·Chronic fatigue or weakness.

·Abdominal discomfort, such as cramping or nausea.

·Confusion or difficulty thinking.

·Bruising or bleeding easily, including nosebleeds.

·Reduced appetite and weight loss.

Concerned parents can request a blood test for liver enzyme levels. Also, a doctor can check the abdomen to see if the liver is enlarged or order a scan or ultrasound.

Those tests can miss problems, however. The most reliable one is a biopsy, in which a small amount of tissue is removed from the liver and studied under a microscope.

To stop or prevent fatty liver disease, patients should:

·Exercise and eat a balanced diet to lose weight slowly but steadily.

·Control diabetes and cholesterol with medication and diet.

·Get vaccinated against hepatitis to prevent further injury to the liver.

·Avoid alcohol, drugs and supplements that can damage the liver.

·Have a liver specialist oversee your care.

·Avoid raw oysters and shellfish, which can harbour bacteria very dangerous to people with advanced liver disease

Family dynamics and kids’ diets

2008-12-17T21:15:00.000-08:00

PARENTS’ general approach to raising their children is often apparent in how they manage their kids’ diets, suggesting that efforts to control childhood obesity need to consider family dynamics, according to researchers. In a study of 239 parents of first-grade children, researchers found that parents who were strict in general also tended to have an “authoritarian” approach to their children’s eating – banning certain foods, for instance, or using pressure to get them to eat fruits and vegetables.

Similarly, parents who were generally “permissive” in what they let their children eat tended to have similar parenting styles.In between these two groups, the researchers found, were “authoritative” parents. These parents set limits on their children’s diets, but often used more positive approaches – like following a healthy diet themselves – to get their kids to eat well.

The findings show that parents’ general styles are important in their children’s diets, according to Dr Laura Hubbs-Tait and colleagues at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater.

They also suggest that efforts to help obese children lose weight are “not likely to be successful” unless the underlying family dynamics are addressed, the researchers report in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association.

In general, experts recommend that parents use positive approaches to get their children to eat right, by setting a good example with their own diets, for example.

But in this study, both the strict and permissive parents typically failed to serve as good dietary role models for their children.

“Due to the infrequency of healthy eating modelled by both permissive and authoritarian parents,” the researchers write, “food and nutrition professionals might encourage both to begin more healthy eating – for the sake of their own health and that of their children.”

A lack of attention to family dynamics may help explain why child obesity treatment is often less than successful, according to Hubbs-Tait and her colleagues.

”Food and nutrition professionals who are implementing dietary change or obesity treatment programmes need to include more complex approaches to behavioural change that include parenting styles and family dynamics,” they conclude.

Kids just as sweet

2008-05-18T02:22:00.000-07:00

Parents of children with autism have to grapple with the many misconceptions surrounding the condition.

YONG: “Good Morning! This is Yong. How can I help you?” Amy: “Is this Autism Support Centre?”

Yong: “This is Parents’ Resource for Autism or PR4A. Who am I speaking to?”

Amy: “My name is Amy. I want to ask about autism.”

Yong: “How can I help? Are you a parent?”

Amy: “Yes, I am a parent. I want to know why autistic kids like to beat people.”

Yong: “Amy, how old is your son?”

Amy: “Not my son, I have a daughter and she is in Year One now.”

Yong: “How is she doing in school?”

Amy: “She was beaten on the back by this autistic boy recently. The autistic boy disturbs the class and because of that, she cannot concentrate in class. I want to know if autistic people can hurt people, why they are still allowed in a normal class?”

At that particular moment I was about to give her a piece of my mind and tell her off, but after taking a deep breath and keeping my emotions in check, I started to chat with her for about 90 minutes. I am very happy to say that I have made a new friend of Amy and now she will be another spokesperson on behalf of my two sons who have autism.

Had I told her off, I would have made another enemy and she would not have a nice word for someone who has autism. As parents of children with autism, we have been in situations where we were asked or told the following: “Is autism contagious?” “Are they psychotic?” “Will he hurt people?” and “If he cannot be quiet, please stay at home. You should discipline your kid.”

Apparently the boy in Amy’s daughter’s class has autism and has been teased by his classmates. Kids will be kids. They love to play around without any bad intention. According to Amy, the boy tends to be quiet and usually cannot stand loud noise, so he uses his hand to cover up his ears. Apparently the kids in the class like to tease him because he is different. It comes to a point where he cannot take it anymore and acts to defend himself. Sadly, we only notice his act of self-defence but are blind to what he is going through.

I told Amy that kids with autism are usually victims of verbal and physical abuse. Amy admitted that her daughter likes to tease the boy too. I told Amy that from our experience, they are the sweetest boys and girls in the world. They don’t feel resentment, they don’t feel hatred and they are usually very happy to be within their own space.

Life is stressful for parents of children with autism due to the lack of awareness and public stigma. In fact, it drains the financial resources, and taxes the health and relationships of parents and siblings involved.

Some of my kind friends tried to comfort me saying, “They are going to recover”, “God has a bigger plan for you”. We, the parents, know the future of our children is not going to be so bright.

What we really want is for them to be independent in a society that can accept them for who they are. They may have some disabilities but inside them, they want to be happy and accepted by society.

The not-so-kind ones used to say, “You must have done something wrong in your past life and this is karma”. That really hurts a lot. If I have done anything wrong in my past life or even current life, I should be punished instead. The kids are innocent and should not be paying for my sin. This line of argument comes from friends who do not have much exposure to medical information and awareness about autism.

Hence, anything that is not explainable, they attribute to repercussion. I usually try my best to explain to them about the whole autism issue and hopefully they will have the awareness to help someone in future.

When someone from the medical profession like Dr Amar Singh sparked off a debate on “classical autism” versus “new autism” following an article he wrote in a local newspaper, it naturally upset parents who are trying their best to cope with the situation.

Dr Amar Singh implied that “new autism” is caused by, among other things, lack of family interaction and lack of play. He also pointed out that Chinese children predominate among the cases of “new autism” and that the parents are predominantly from the upper middle-income group that is represented by the affluent, high-flying professionals.
Let me share my side of the story.

When my wife was pregnant with our eldest son, about four weeks into the pregnancy I went to a bookstore and bought a storybook titled 365 Bedtime Stories. For each day of the year, I read the story of the day to my unborn child. On top of that, I also sang nursery rhymes almost every night to my child in his mummy’s womb.

When he was born, I was the one who bathed him every day even though my wife was a stay-at-home mother. His developmental milestones were perfect, and he even won a Baby of the Year contest in 2001.

My house is full of toys, so much so it is like a toyshop. We enrolled him for playgroup every weekend at a play centre. We brought him to the beach and played with mud and sand. Despite all the nurturing, eldest son has autism. My second son is also not spared.

From my experience, I gather that autism does not discriminate. It affects all races, rich and poor alike.

Parenting Parent - Anger release

2008-05-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

I LEAVE my two-year-old son in the playschool for three hours every day. He loves to bite other children. When I take him to the playground, he will attempt to bite someone too. His teacher commented that he has no friends in school, as all the children are terrified of him. My husband and I are very concerned. What should we do to break this habit? I am a working mother. – Worried Mother

Two-year-olds who are feeling frustrated and misunderstood will resort to biting when they cannot express how they feel. At this age, they are unaware of what is right or wrong. When they feel upset or insecure, they will use the only “weapon” they know to vent their feelings. He may even be biting to show his interest in the other person. He may have observed others giving each other a “love bite”.

Biting is an aggressive behaviour. It causes bodily harm to others and can also be frightening to the one who bites. The child feels powerful when he bites. Yet, this power that he has can be overwhelming. He may not be able to control it. It is up to his parents and teachers to help him manage this behaviour.

You have to find out why he is biting. It does not help much to say or do anything after he has bitten. Scolding him or punishing him may cause him to feel worse, and bite more. Some adults pound their fists on the table when they are angry or use foul language. Very young children bite when they are angry or frustrated.

Another reason could be that he finds biting arouses strong feelings in others. He may feel left out in groups of many. His biting may get him the kind of focused attention he longs for. Once you discover the reason behind his biting, you can try to prevent it before it happens.

If biting is a behaviour that is being modelled, try to remove this from the child. Help your child to learn how to use other ways to express his interest and strong feelings. For example, you can show him how he can touch someone’s hand gently and smile and say, “I like you.” You can also help him redirect his urge to bite others to objects made for biting. Tell him that people are not for biting. He can bite things like teething rings or sink his teeth into a bread roll.

Show him how he can use other means to express his anger. Observe your child carefully and know when he is about to “explode”. In other words, anticipate his moves. Distract him before his anger gets full-blown and out-of-control. If you know he is demanding for something or trying to get his message across, help him to use other means for getting what he wants. Model to him how he can use certain words or signs to let the other person know.

I used to show toddlers in group care how they can barter trade what they wanted from each other. If you want a toy that someone else is playing, you will bring along another toy to exchange for it. In the beginning, I had to constantly demonstrate the way it is done to the toddlers. I helped them to trade without fighting. Eventually, they learned how to do it by themselves without using any form of aggression. I reinforced their positive behaviour by saying to them, “You have shared with your friend.” “You are nice to your friend.”

Toddlers need to experience positive ways of handling challenges. As much as possible, cut down on power struggles. No one is a winner when an adult confronts a young child in a power struggle. When your child has stepped out of the boundary, respond to him matter-of-factly and stay calm. Avoid confrontations. If he climbs on the furniture, say to him calmly, “You can climb on the jungle gym in the playground.” At all times, offer solutions that are workable for your toddler.

Your toddler is still learning about his environment and how to get along with others. Making friends does not come automatically for a young child. He needs the adults in his life to help him learn how to make it happen. His playgroup teacher should plan activities where she partners him while he learns appropriate behaviour to do things with other children.

No fighting

2008-05-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

There will be moments when parents and children disagree with one another. Instead of letting this disagreement get out of control and lead to a worse scenario, parents can consider taking a step back.

When there is no opponent, the child will not fight or keep up his argument. No one is defeated or victorious. More importantly, the child learns how to turn something negative into something positive.

Most family battles are fought during mealtimes and bedtime. Parents who insist their preschoolers eat properly at designated times often find themselves in conflict with their children.

One day, as I was going out, I turned to my neighbour’s house and saw her youngest child, a six-year-old with a bowl in her hands, eating away under the hot sun.

My neighbour told me that she had sent her daughter out to eat her lunch after failing to coax her several times to finish her meal without talking and wasting time.

She tried threatening her daughter with the cane if she did not finish all her food. That did not work. So this time, she decided this was the best way to get her to eat without talking.

When preschoolers fight with their parents, their immediate goal is to gain power. The six-year-old who got sent out of the house with her bowl of rice firmly stood her ground.

She would not behave at the table. She displayed her ability to do as she wanted and engaged her mother in battle.

She managed to stop everyone from eating lunch, too. While she ate outside the house, her mother, grandmother and sister stood at the door to watch her. This was sheer power gained on her part.

There are several approaches to this problem. The parent can remove herself from the conflict situation. Instead of constantly nagging her child to eat, the mother can start the mealtime by telling her how long she has to complete her meal.

Once time is up and the food has not been finished, the table will be cleared without a word. The child may have to wait until tea-time or dinner before she can fill her stomach.

To avoid a power struggle, parents can also carry out what they want their children to do firmly without fussing over them. If you want your child to go to bed, just take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom to change into his pyjamas.

Do so without paying attention to any form of whining or protest from your child. Eventually, your child will know that you mean business at bedtime.

When your child starts to whine or seek attention for his misbehaviour, you can walk away without talking. Go to a place in the house where you can have some personal time for a retreat.

Do so every time your child chooses to act up instead of using positive behaviour to get your attention. By physically removing yourself from a potential conflict with your child, you are teaching him that you will only deal with reasonable demands and positive behaviour.

When my girls were preschoolers, I would remove the object they were both fighting over without a word. I would take it with me to my “time-out place” until their screaming stopped. When all was well, I would then make my appearance.

Before things get out of hand, parents can choose to take a step back. This way, when children find themselves in a non-confrontational situation, they will stop acting up because they find it is futile.

When parents choose to withdraw from conflicts with their children, this means that they will only partake in reasonable and positive interaction with their children.

If their children are unreasonable and using negative ways to get what they want, they will not be able to get it. If this withdrawal from potential conflicts with children is practised in the home, the child will soon learn that the only way to get attention is to show cooperation and not fight with his parents.

I remember my second daughter when she was only four years old, telling her father: “You can tell me in a nice way. You do not have to scold me. I will listen to you.”

Her words reflected the many times I had told her to use nice words to let me know what she wanted. Whenever she threw a temper tantrum, I would leave the spot and keep a distance until she calmed down. Later, when everything is over, I would cuddle her or read her a story.

Telling children to behave when they are misbehaving has very little effect on them. When they choose to engage in a battle, they will not listen to any advice. Parents who choose to cooperate with their children when they are not fighting can make a difference in how they interact with other people.

Children will learn that it is the right thing to do when they walk away from their friends who challenge them.

No two the same

2008-05-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

When it comes to educating persons with a learning disorder, there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

WHEN parents first learn that their child has a learning disorder, very often they feel as though they have been thrown into the deep end.

In Lim Ang Nei’s case, when her then three-year-old son, Nicholas Mathew, was diagnosed with autism, she decided she would not allow herself to wallow in self-pity. Tough as it was, she embarked on a long journey to discover interventions and the different types of therapy that can help her son. Along the way, she discovered that she is not only helping her son but others who are in a similar situation.

Foregoing her career as a TV producer and writer, Lim spent a considerable amount of time and money to learn all about autism spectrum disorder, a neurological disorder that can in varying degrees, impede speech, learning, social behaviour and body control. Hence, the classification of persons with autism as high, moderate or low-functioning.

In the lexicon of autism, there is a continuum of therapies that parents have to familiarise themselves with and decide on for their child. They include behavioural modification, mediated learning, speech therapy, sensory integration, brain gym, play therapy, music therapy, biomedical intervention and diet intervention. Which works? As experts would argue, no two persons on the autism spectrum disorder is the same. What works for one may not work for the other.

“We owe it to our kids to at least try each therapy,” says Lim. In most cases, parents usually opt for a combination of therapy, depending on the resources they have. These various therapies are often expensive, urban-centric and not tax-deductible.

For Lim, after paying six years for speech therapy, she stopped as it did not work for Nicholas but other forms of intervention did, in particular brain gym which helps to integrate the left and right brain to enable the person to see the big picture in a coherent form. It involves modulating the senses that are not in sync as indicated when a person is hyperactive or extremely passive and is affected by light, sound, touch or smell. Poor pencil grip and illegible handwriting are also signs of sensory dysfunction.

“My son’s speech became clearer after doing various exercises under the brain gym programme,” says Lim, a mother of three. So by the time Nicholas was nine, Lim became a certified brain gym trainer herself. The certification, which took her six years to secure, enables her to conduct courses on specific exercises which work towards bringing a balance to the body system and to clear obstacles in the way so the person is able to learn without stress.

Thanks to his mother’s knowledge in gentle movements and touch points like pressing the “brain button” (the points just below the collar bone), cross crawls and other non-strenuous body movements, Nicholas, 11, is relatively calm and rarely has challenging behavioural issues like self-stimming.

“Drinking water is also vital to energise the body,” says Lim.

But Lim stresses that brain gym has to be done in tandem with other forms of therapy.

“The brain gym exercises help prepare the child for academic learning,” she adds. That’s where behavioural modification therapies like Applied Behaviour Analysis and Picture Exchange System (PECS) come into play. This entails breaking the tasks into smaller steps to suit the child, rewarding him for good behaviour and providing the means to communicate when words fail, in a structured environment.

To further validate her work in these areas, Lim is completing her diploma in Learning Disorders Management and Child Psychology. Armed with her qualifications and her teaching experience, Lim has stepped out in faith this year with her own outfit. She has four special needs students signed up for her FISH programme – an acronym for Faith Inspired School House programme.

“My aim is to serve those with special needs, to teach in such a manner that the children find it worth learning,” adds Lim.

And this is what Mary Anne Joseph, a seasoned therapist with over 20 years’ experience, aims to do at her new Mary Anne Joseph Special Needs centre in Wangsa Maju, Kuala Lumpur.

Mary Anne believes that every child, no matter how challenging their behaviour is, can be taught to behave appropriately and learn in a mainstream school environment if the right interventions are in place.

Mary Anne who has a degree in philosophy in education, specialising in special needs, considers behavioural modification therapy as the main thrust of her work. She has 40 students under her charge. Their ages range from 15 months to 24 years. Like Lim, Mary Anne maintains that behavioural modification therapy can’t be done in isolation as most autistic persons have issues impacting their health, vision and muscle tone.

For instance, to help her students use their muscles appropriately, horse-riding, swimming and other outdoor activities are a must. Likewise, students have to undergo exercises to improve their fine motor skills. She also believes in encouraging the families using her services to live and eat healthily. “That means wholesome, home-cooked food,” she stresses. To build up their social skills, therapies are done in such public places as the supermarket.

Mary Anne is convinced that when the child is primed – by addressing sensory, health and other problems – only then is he ready for learning.

Besides one-on-one therapy, Mary Anne also provides assessments, and conducts group therapy and integrated play groups. She regularly holds talks and training for teachers and goes overseas to share and learn from others. She is assisted by two therapists and she maintains that parental involvement is integral to a child’s progress.

“Which is why we insist parents must undergo training. Without their input, it will only result in failure,” she says.

While there is no denying that modifying behaviour is vital, the biggest challenge remains: is the child’s response the result of his ability to understand what is presented to him or is it a consequence of rote learning?

Soo Kui Chien, a trainer in Dr Reuven Feuerstein’s Mediated Learning Experience (www.icelp.org) says the role of a therapist is to mediate intention to the student, to give meaning to the task that is presented to him and to be able to anticipate what appropriate feedbacks to give when he responds.

“Any child has the ability to adapt and learn new things. It depends on the quality of the interaction between the student and the mediator,” he says.

Soo maintains too that parental involvement is vital as they are the primary mediators of their children. As the child’s ability to learn increases, parents must be trained to keep up with the child’s progress, he adds.

As it is, there is no mother-of-all-fixes as far as teaching the intellectually challenged is concerned. There is still so much to learn about the brain. But in the end what really matters is having a heart to reach out.

Positive parenting skills

2008-04-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

AS parents we are supposed to be our children’s role model. But I tend to lose my temper quite easily, get upset when my children are sick, and fight with my husband. Sometimes I feel lonely as I do not have many friends here. How can I be a good role-model? I am trying hard to change.

My daughter is a slow eater. She takes three hours to finish half a bowl of rice. She likes to keep the food in her mouth for a long time before swallowing. Sometimes I worry whether she has enough food, so I give her milk twice a day. I have tried various suggestions like providing a good variety of kid’s fare, cooking together with her or even taking away her milk for a day so that she would eat faster when she feels hungry, but all these do not seem to work.

How do I encourage her to eat faster before the food gets cold?

My daughter is also very timid and gets frightened easily when she hears loud sounds and sees animals (tame and wild) and insects (for example, butterflies). We used to take her to my in-law’s house which has dogs, chickens, and a cat. We take her to the park every weekend.

How can I encourage her to appreciate nature and explore the world around her? She loves to look at picture books and enjoys drawing.

On the other hand, my son does not seem to like books. He will crawl away the moment I open a book, unlike his sister who would sit on my lap and listen to the stories for an hour when she was a baby.

How can I encourage my son to love books? He likes to bite and tear the books, so I only give him board books. He loves to explore his surroundings.

Willing to change mum

BEING a good parent means you are always working on doing what is right by your children. You need not be a perfect parent who knows everything about child development. But you do need to know how to correct your mistakes when you make them.

When you are angry with your child or feel frustrated that you cannot do better, examine your reasons for these feelings. Are your expectations unreasonable or are you too demanding of your children?

Guiding children requires patience and understanding. You need to make careful observations of your children’s behaviour and know how to meet their needs. Rather than focusing on their misbehaviour, you should also catch them when they are good. Their behaviour is also influenced by your responses and attitude towards them. If you believe in them, they will feel supported and work hard towards doing what is right.

Spend more time marvelling at your children’s antics and less on comparing their weaknesses or lack of interest. Your children are still at a tender age and need to learn a great deal. Tolerate their mistakes and help them find positive ways to work out their problems.

Your role is to provide them with an environment that is safe for them to make their explorations, as well as work out their problems.

Children tend to eat better when they are in a social setting. Instead of feeding your child separately, invite her to join in family meals and let her feed herself. It sounds like you are still feeding her and controlling her food intake.

It is hard for both mother and child to wait for a meal to finish in three hours. Maybe you should share this control with your child. Small meals are easier for toddlers to manage. Your child feels better when she gets to choose what she eats. If rice is one staple that is taking a long time, try substituting with other staples. Once you have planned a well-balanced diet for your child, rest assured that she will not be under-nourished.

The wonderful thing about having children is that they are different from one another. Your son may develop differently from that of his older sister. Accept the differences and enjoy his unique personality. He may still be too young for you to decide that he does not like books.

Do things that your children are interested in. Instead of using books to tell stories, try using props and picture cards to make your stories interesting. You can also promote language development during playtime.

Reassure your children of your love and kindness. Allow your children to make interruptions. But keep them focused on the information you share with them to make them better individuals. Instead of scolding them for what they have done, you can tell them what they should do instead.

As your children explore their environment, they will pick up things that they should not play with. Say to your children, “This is not a toy. Here is a toy that you can play with.”

You must also find some time for yourself and cultivate your own interests. It is important that parents develop themselves as they bring up their children. Whenever possible, go out with a friend or your husband and pamper yourself a little. You can also stay in touch with your friends online or through the phone while your children are napping. Once you feel rejuvenated, you will do a better job as a parent.

Needing play

2008-03-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

A parent of a child with special needs shares her thoughts on the importance of play.

FOR PARENTS of special needs children, play is a word that is not in our dictionary. To us, free playtime that is unstructured and child-centred, where the child is in control and sets the tone and pace of the activity, has no place in our lives.

Having a child that is constantly way behind the standard developmental milestones, from sitting to walking, talking and writing, I feel I am constantly in a race. A race to get him onto the graph line of that developmental chart.

For parents of developmentally delayed children, that goal is like a lifeline thrown to us as we drift in the uncharted waters of raising a child with learning disability.

Often we feel that if we could only get our child to achieve those parameters, those milestones to assure us that he is growing up normally, then our lives would be normal again.

But more often than not, teaching a special needs child is like going on a rollercoaster ride, with no finishing line in sight. Each step forward seems to come after two steps backwards.

So really, we have no time to allow our children to indulge in free play. Every activity must be structured with an educational slant. Every task he performs must be analysed for its potential learning benefits. And we measure each toy we put into his hands by these standards.

I suppose it is a parenting instinct that when choosing toys for our kids, we often look at the educational value first, before we consider its potential for developing their creativity or imagination.

However, with our special needs child, this urge to promote education and development is so much stronger, causing us to focus on toys for building motor skills, hand-eye coordination or activities to develop his reading, writing and counting abilities.

I have to admit that I was not like that with my other boy, without special needs. He had the benefit of attending playgroups. He indulged in role-playing games. He made all sorts of weird animals from home-cooked playdough. He played ball games. He reared hamsters. He played alone, and with lots of friends. He enjoyed hours of sheer fun.

Looking back now, I realised he had more playtime compared to his special needs brother.

Was it just me, or are all mothers with special needs children just like me?

I didn’t put him into his brother’s mainstream kindergarten which was just down the road from our house. He attended a centre that caters to special needs children.

His toys were mainly puzzles, that he was coaxed to do over and over again, from puzzles with big knobs specially built for little fingers, to two-piece puzzles to 35-piece puzzle sets.

He had a teddy bear-shaped cassette player that was only used to play educational songs. He grew up on flashcards and counting boards.

And when it comes to sports, his swimming sessions were very specific. The objective was to teach him to coordinate left-right leg motions. And that was followed, of course, by left-right hand motions. The fundamental aim of just swimming for the fun of it was lost.

Perhaps that was why he never took to swimming. Because it was really just an exercise and not much fun at all. In my desire to make him achieve those developmental milestones, I had forgotten the true essence of play.

Play in its truest form is just about having fun. The child is usually involved in an enjoyable activity that is often spontaneous yet stimulating.

I recently watched some special kids “dressing up”. With just pieces of colourful fabric, they became pirates, lions, bride, mummy and some cartoon characters. It was fascinating watching them take on their latest interest and stamping their personality on their creation. It was truly role-play from the heart.

Free play can also stimulate curiosity but with our special needs children, it may come with a price. In many cases, the object of their interest is taken apart, sometimes beyond repair.

My son, for instance, is fascinated by anything that twirls and turns. He is fascinated by propellers, by fans.

But buy a helicopter for him and it gets destroyed. He doesn't play with it like his brother would; instead he would hold on to the blades or take it apart to find out why and how it spins.

So helicopters and all mechanical toys that spin were taken off his toy list. And, of course, all the fans in the house had been given his special treatment.

Perhaps if we had let him explore his curiosity in a different way, he would have learnt from it.

But, there I go again, putting a learning tag on any activity that I plan for him.

Again it stems from a fear that if I don’t focus on his self-development, he may never learn enough, in time.

And quite often, parents whose special needs child has extreme behaviours are doubly anxious about early intervention and structured learning sessions.

However, such denial of their need for free playtime stifles their creativity and retards their emotional health.

This is especially true for individuals who have problems expressing their emotions vocally.

Individuals with learning disabilities often have the same emotional needs. They get angry, sad and frustrated just like anyone else. However, they often have problems expressing these negative emotions constructively.

Instead they end up being aggressive, lashing out at others or, more often, inflicting injuries on themselves.

A play therapist once said she sometimes measured the effectiveness of her session with emotionally disturbed children by the number of toys destroyed during the session.

She commented that bashing up toys is a therapeutic session for children who are unable to vocalise their frustrations. Getting them to release these pent-up negative emotions is often the first step, and paves the way towards emotional healing and successful counselling.

Play therapists define play as “a physical or mental leisure activity that is undertaken purely for enjoyment or amusement and has no other objective.”

Frankly, I now feel that we all need to learn to play, that play is not just for children but for everyone, including adults. Unfortunately for various reasons, adults have forgotten how to play, so how can we teach our children to let go, be spontaneous and just play?

Patience required

2008-03-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

I AM a housewife, and I live with my mum and several family members. I have two boys, aged 10 and five. My husband spoils my eldest son by giving in to his every whim. He used to be a very good, obedient and lovable boy until he turned four. Then he became naughty.

When he was about seven, he became very rude and difficult. We scolded him whenever he did something wrong. He would take it out on his grandma and me. He likes to fight with his brother. My husband takes his side and hardly reprimands him for his wrongdoings.

My husband has a terrible temper. We do not get along, and hardly agree on the same things. I find him illogical. He believes in what his mother taught him, that is, to let kids do what they want and give them what they want.

When my husband sees my mother and me scolding my eldest son and smacking him, he takes pity on the boy. He is also prejudiced. He scolds my younger son when he is naughty, but not the older one.

My mother and I feel that as a father, he is too lenient with our eldest son. My husband becomes angry with us after scolding the kids. He picks fights with me. I have told him never to fight in front of the children, but he still does.

When my husband scolds my son, he uses very harsh words and does not explain the wrong my son has committeed.

My son is a smart boy. He was the top student, from Year One to Three. The teachers say he’s cheerful and intelligent. Lately, he ismischievous in school. His grades have dropped and he has become lazy.

My son likes to drag his feet when it comes to completing homework. Recently, he failed one of the tests and was caned by his teacher. After that, he did not want to go to school. He said he hates school and complained that he was having problems with his friends. We scolded him for not going to school and punished him, but he still refused to go. He insisted on changing schools. His behaviour has changed. He cries easily and has become very demanding.

My husband and I will be moving to our own place next month. We will transfer our son to a school near our new home but we are afraid that he might not want to go to the school.

Distraught Mother

Building a positive parent-child relationship requires a great deal of patience and understanding. When parents constantly find fault with their children’s behaviour and keep correcting them, they may make their children feel rejected and unloved. Punishment and scoldings will further discourage them from working on their ability to function effectively.

A child’s behaviour worsens when his needs are not met or when he is facing difficult challenges. In your son’s case, there is a lot in the home front for him to cope with. He has to deal with conflicting parents, as well as a non-supportive extended family.

Your 10-year-old son probably feels despair when family disputes that centre around him occur daily at home.

If you want to help change your son’s attitude and build his confidence, you must first start with yourself and your relationship with your husband.

Consider your concerns and attitude towards your son first, before you respond to his behaviour. In many cases, a parent who is overly-concerned about a child’s performance can cause him to have difficulties at school. Your reprimands and punishment accentuate the problem, rather than correct it.

Work out your differences with your spouse without involving your children. Even if you disagree on many things, you must show respect when dealing with your children’s well-being.

Young children have a strong need to be proud of their parents. They feel hurt when their parents say unpleasant things about one another. For successful parenting, work on family integration rather than promote competition.

A child’s behaviour is influenced by that of others. Parents are not the only ones who should be responsible for their children’s behaviour. When there is a problem in the family, it should not only be the mother or father who has to deal with it. Children should also learn to be responsible and help out in the family.

The whole family, including the child himself, needs to help solve the problem. When faced with a problem, get the whole family to sit down together to discuss possible solutions.

Every member has an opportunity to put forward his or her ideas and be heard. This way, you can reach out to your son, without frustration and anger.

The right approach

2008-03-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

Childwise

ALL parents want to raise children with character. The last thing we want is to raise a child who has a negative attitude and bad habits. To cultivate good behaviour in children, parents must pay attention to their daily interactions.

Children do precisely what is expected of them. But this requires consistent teaching on the adult’s part. If they are expected to be polite at mealtimes, they need to be reminded at all times of their behaviour.

In many families, children are allowed to run around during mealtimes. It will thus be difficult to get them to sit still when there are guests for dinner. Children may find it difficult to keep up with the demands adults make on them. Unwittingly, we might be raising children to be inconsistent in their behaviour, if we are not consistent in our teachings.

Some children pick up certain behavioural patterns very quickly.

They know that if they were to scream or shout loud or long enough, their parents will give in. By doing so, the parent is encouraging her child to use this tactic to gain attention and get what she wants.

Parenting experts find that consistent teachings and realistic expectations of children’s behaviour can help.

Children like the idea that they can succeed in meeting their parents’ expectations and feel they are part of the team.

Parents must first identify the cause of children’s misbehaviour, so that they can apply various techniques of coping with negative behaviour and reinforcing positive behaviour.

Here are some everyday situations that parents may encounter with their young children:

1. It is seven in the morning and you want to hit the road for work. Your four-year-old son refuses to get dressed as told; he expects you to coax him and play games with him. He runs off for you to catch him. Instead of chasing after him, you should remain where you are and wait for him to turn back and look at you. Tell him that you are going to get ready while waiting for him. When he is ready to get dressed, he can seek your assistance.

2. Your child is upset that you said “No” to his request for ice cream before dinner. You do not have to explain at length the reason why he cannot have ice cream before dinner. You can remind him that he can request for ice cream after dinner. Keep your word when your child remembers your rules.

3. When your children refuse to pick up their toys or belongings, you can pick them up but put the toys away where your children are unlikely to find them. Next time when they look for them, you may want to remind them that they should keep their own toys to avoid losing them. With older children, discuss ways they can be responsible for their own things. For example, if they lose their pencil case, they may have to use their allowance to buy a new one. As much as possible, let your children take ownership of their belongings. They can earn their allowance by doing chores.

4. Parents tend to find too many faults with their young children. Consider each situation carefully before intervening. If your child is trying hard to do something on his own, allow him time to finish first before stepping in to offer help. Use positive words to encourage him instead of put-downs. Tell your child “I understand how you feel.” Or “You have worked at the task. I am sure with more practice, you will be able to complete it all by yourself.”

5. Consider your demands carefully before conveying them to your children. Are they reasonable or would it be too difficult for him to carry out? Children of different ages respond according to their maturity and level of understanding. Young children are more willing to work when they encounter success. Tasks that are too challenging can put them off and cause them to feel frustrated. They may require time to practise before they are good at a task.

Children learn better when parents can help them identify the problems they are facing.

Instead of punishment and rewards, parents can sit down with their children to learn ways to control their anger, and teach them how to handle success and failures. There is no better time to pick up these tools than when they are young. Once they have mastered them, they can take responsibility for their actions and make their own decisions.

Helping hands

2008-02-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

Grandparents are engineered to lavish their grandchildren with affection and attention.

ARE you one of those who leave your kids in their grandparent’s care while your spouse and you are at work? Consider yourself very privileged if you are.

Having grandparents around is certainly better than other alternatives. They lavish their grandchildren with affection and attention. They would drop everything for them – and extra care is always guaranteed. Grandparents are engineered that way, and that’s what makes them so indispensable. Can you think of anyone better whom you could trust your brood with?

Even when you have a maid at home, the presence of grandparents gives you the peace of mind to concentrate at work, as they can help you to keep an eye on things. Let’s face it, we all know someone with a horror maid story to tell. All this makes us constantly wonder whether we are gambling on the kids’ safety whenever we leave them home alone with a maid.

Of course, it’s not necessarily all roses. Some parents complain about how grandpa and grandma spoil the kids, and find fault with their old-fashioned ways of childcare.

When a difference in parenting views occurs, it’s best to listen to what the grandparents have to say with an open mind. After all, there is something we can learn from those who have been there and done that. Try to understand their point of view, and be flexible when the issues are not major.

Having said that, you don’t have to bottle things up and pretend all is well if you find their ways are totally unacceptable to you. The kids, after all, are yours. Hence, you do have the right to decide how you want your kids to be brought up.

Discuss the clashes of opinions and find a compromise before they fester into major disputes. Voice how you really feel – without hurting their feelings. Remember that no one likes to be told that they are a bad influence on your kids!

There are also some parents who are secretly resentful of the special bond between their kids and the grandparents. Well, it’s only natural for kids to feel closer to their constant companions. But it’s also understandable if you feel left out when they seem to prefer their grandparents to you.

Remember, however, that kids are capable of loving both grandparents and parents in different ways. Thus, don’t see the grandparents as the opposition party. They are here not to fight for your kids’ love, but to give them more love. Think of how lucky the kids are to have both the love of their grandparents and parents.

Then there are those parents who lament the fact that the not-so-highly educated grandparents are unable to contribute much to their kids’ academic learning.

Well, grandparents might not be able to explain science and such to your kids, but they can pass the legacy of good values to the next generation. They can teach your kids all about filial piety, good manners, and a million other things that harried parents might not have the time (or patience) to do.

And yes, even though they might not be able to help much in the education department, you can count on the doting grandparents to applaud every little achievement, and do things like giving a standing ovation when your three-year-old is finally able to sing the ABC song without jumbling up the alphabet.

At the end of the day, as with everything in life, having the grandparents as your kids’ caregivers has its pros and cons.

When the going gets tough for you, keep in mind that things can get pretty rough for them too.

Any babysitting grandparent can vouch that taking care of young kids is not exactly a walk in the park. They have to deal with the daily grind of cleaning dirty bottoms, feeding finicky little eaters, taming tantrums, and other things that cause exhaustion and anxiety.

On the other hand, declarations like “I love you, Grandma!” and wet kisses on the cheeks are not always an hourly event.

So make sure you don’t burden them with the entire task of parenting. Grandparents don’t have to go through parenting twice in their lifetime, but they are doing it out of love and concern for the family. Hence, be appreciative and tell these unsung heroes how grateful you are for their help and support. After all, no one appreciates being taken for granted.

No matter how full of shortcomings a grandparent may be, at the very least you have someone who genuinely cares about your kids’ happiness and health.

Now, that’s someone you should keep within the reach of your children, don’t you think?

Mother’s love

2008-02-26T21:54:00.000-08:00

A mother has a special influence over her children that no one else has.

I WORK as an accounts assistant and am studying towards a part-time degree in accounting. I will be completing my studies in December. I have been very busy in the office. Most of the time, I stay back till 7pm even though the official time for work ends at 5pm. Recently I was promoted to acting accounts executive.

My children, a four year-old girl and a two-year-old boy, stay with my mum. I have realised that they learn nothing at my mother's house. They spend their time watching television.

I also suspect that my mum does not like my son. She seems to treat him differently compared with my daughter and nephew who are also under her care. My son gets caned whenever he does not listen to her.

My brother shouts at my children whenever he wants them to stop doing something. I think that affects them negatively. My children have picked up the bad habit of shouting whenever they want anything from me.

I am the kind of parent who does not like to spank my children. Rather, I prefer to explain and talk to them. I treat them with respect. However, recently, due to my heavy workload and coursework, I lost control and spanked them. Will this affect my children emotionally? They also witnessed my husband and I fighting some time ago.

Am I a good mother?

Concerned working mother

It is not easy for a working mother who has to do parenting on leftover time. And it can be challenging when you depend on others to care for your children. As parents, we make mistakes. But if we are committed to doing a good job in raising our children, we will correct our mistakes and learn from experience. We must also learn to forgive ourselves when we have failed.

Your children need parents whom they can trust to reflect their actions and try to help them make connections with what they are learning. Your role as a parent is to help them make sense of what they are learning and sort out the confusion in their lives. If any misunderstandings occur, help them solve the problems; this will strengthen the parent-child bond.

Before you start trying to make amends with your children and extended family members, you must deal with your guilt as a working mother. The situation you are in, as a working parent and part-time student, is temporary. In a few months, once your studies are completed, you will have more time for yourself. The more frustrated you feel, the worse it will affect your home life. Go easy on yourself.

Having your mother care for your children has its advantages and disadvantages. While you feel safe with this caregiver since you trust her and know her well, the care-giving can put stress on your relationship with your mother. Both of you want the best for the children in your own way. You may not share your mother’s ideas about discipline or the way she manages the children. Your mother may feel that she knows what is best; after all, she brought you up and is now looking after your children.

One way to make this arrangement work is to spell out the rules and expectations clearly. Tell your mother that you appreciate her help in care-giving. Explain that you find it difficult to do a good job as a parent when there are conflicting ways of managing your children’s behaviour. You must also stress that you understand how difficult it is for her to cope with your son. Encourage her to let you know whenever she finds it hard to manage his behaviour; assure her that you will help her wherever possible. Offer to do what you can so that she will not feel too harassed from caring for three young children.

Whenever you are with your children, remind them to use their quiet indoor voices to make their requests known to you. If they shout like their uncle, gently tell them that you like it better when they talk nicely. Your children may even learn to say this to their uncle the next time he shouts at them. As a mother, you have a special influence over your children that no one else has. Make this influence a positive one.

To help them grow

2008-02-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

Optimal nutrition starts with serving the foods your child needs.

LIKE most parents, we are prepared to do everything we can to help our children grow well and develop their potential. This includes meeting their needs, especially for optimal nutrition. More than just ensuring they are fed every day, it also includes understanding their nutritional requirements, guiding them towards choosing nutritious foods, teaching them good eating habits and helping them overcome mealtime problems.

It’s always amazing how a child changes from being a helpless baby into a toddler and then a preschooler. It’s a dramatic transformation that increases his nutritional needs, compared with infancy. The best way to meet those needs is by giving a wide variety of nutritious foods that, together, supply all the major nutrients (carbohydrates, protein, fats), micronutrients (vitamins and minerals) as well as the many other healthful substances that are naturally present in many foods (eg phytochemicals in fruits and vegetables).

·Carbohydrates are your child’s best source of energy, especially for the brain. Carbohydrates are found in grains, cereals, tubers, fruits, vegetables and legumes. Brown rice, wholemeal breakfast cereals and bread, beans and, of course, fruits and vegetables also supply fibre which helps reduce constipation, a common problem in childhood.

Nutritious: Carbohydrates found in grains, cereals, tubers, fruits, vegetables and legumes are your child’s best source of energy.

Protein is needed to develop, repair and replace body tissues, even bone and blood. Sources of protein include fish, meat, poultry, legumes, milk and dairy products.

Fats are important as they help maintain body temperature and promote hormone and cell development. Some foods and beverages also supply essential fatty acids (EFA), like omega-3 and omega-6, which promote brain, nervous system and eye development.

Fats are two times richer than carbohydrates or proteins so do limit your child’s fat intake. Avoid using excessive cooking oil; discard the fatty bits from meat and chicken skin; limit fried foods and oily ready-to-eat snack foods (eg. potato chips and keropok).

The latest research suggests that you should minimise intake of foods (eg. commercially-prepared baked and processed foods) that contain high amounts of hydrogenated fats. Read the labels every time before buying a packaged food product.

Vitamins and minerals are vital to total body health and function. They work individually as well as with each other to enable the utilisation of energy and nutrients from food, strengthen the immune system, aid the development of cells and keep the organs performing well.

All the vitamins and minerals your child needs can be obtained from a varied diet. Fruits, vegetables, cereals and red meat are excellent sources of vitamins. Milk, cheese, yoghurt, fish with edible bones, bean products and leafy green vegetables are great choices when it comes to bone-building calcium. You would do well to remember that about 99% of the body’s calcium is stored in the bones. Meat, fish, liver, green leafy vegetables, cereals, nuts and beans and certain fortified foods provide iron for the vitality that your child needs to keep playing and learning well through childhood.

A healthy diet

Optimum nutrition for your child begins with you serving up nutritious foods. The next step then is to know the reasonable amounts of food that your child should be eating each day. This is an important part of ensuring optimal nutritional intake. After all, like with most toddlers and preschoolers, getting him to stay still and eat properly might be a challenge. You may even find yourself discovering new levels of stress and anxiety if your child develops picky eating tendencies.

Our hearts reach out to you and all the other mothers who might have similar feeding troubles. So, join us next fortnight to find out, if your child is eating well.

Eating problems

2008-02-18T18:03:00.000-08:00

For some children, a poor appetite may signal psychological or medical problems.

THREE-year-old Justin has a problem with food. He is very picky at mealtimes – he won’t eat most foods and at times, refuses to eat at all. His weight starts to plummet. His worried parents bring him to a paediatrician, who examines the boy and discovers that Justin has gastroesophageal reflux.

A few houses away, food is the least of five-year-old Asha’s interests. She whines whenever she has to eat, looks pale and has little energy to run around and play with her friends.

Children with feeding problems generally insist on eating only one or two types of food for long periods of time or are reluctant to try new types of food. They may also be strongly averse to certain types of food, don’t eat enough or simply refuse to eat.

Research shows that up to 45% of children experience problems at mealtimes. In most cases, these problems do not result in serious, long-term consequences. However, there are instances when a poor appetite is more than just a growing phase and may signal a serious problem.

First of all, you need to establish if your child’s feeding problems are indeed cause for concern. Children with poor appetites do not receive the nutrients needed for growth. As a result, they are underweight.

One way to tell is by regularly charting your child’s height-for-age and weight-for-age on a growth chart. When done over a period of time, these measurements can serve as an indicator of growth disturbances. It will also enable your child’s doctor to ascertain whether your child is under-nourished or overweight.

There are two main causes why your child is not eating as well as he should – psychological disorders and medical causes.

Psychological disorders

Of the two main causes, psychological disorders are the more common of the two. These incorporate behavioural, environmental and psychological problems caused by a variety of factors. For example, some parents may restrict the amount of calories they give their child out of fear that their kid may become fat. Some parents may be feeding their child insufficiently or poorly because of a lack of interest in the child’s welfare. The amount of money a family spends on food and the nutritional value of the foods they buy also affect growth.

Adjustment disorders may cause a healthy child to have a poor appetite. According to psychiatrist Associate Professor Dr M. Swamenathan, adjustment disorders are temporary disorders that follow stressful life events and circumstances. A child expresses anger and rebelliousness by refusing to eat after such incidents.
Another factor is depressive disorders.

“This is common in middle and late childhood,” says Dr Swamenathan. “It is a result of environmental factors either at home or at school. It may include a parent becoming seriously ill, the death of a family member, parental disharmony, being abused, sibling jealousy and harsh parenting. Other factors may include difficulty coping with studies, being bullied and a fear of teachers.”

A rare cause is obsessive compulsive disorders. “This is characterised by disturbing and frightening thoughts that intrude continuously, such as ‘I am going to fail in my exam’ or ‘My mother is going to die’. The child believes that he or she can prevent these bad things from happening by doing a particular action. For instance, ‘If I don’t eat, I will pass my exams and nothing will happen to my mother’,” he explains.

Dr Swamenathan adds that an obsessive compulsive disorder can be identified when a child does some acts repeatedly, such as washing hands, checking the door or light switch or asking the same question over and over again.

A poor appetite can result in children having protein calorie malnutrition, vitamin deficiencies, electrolyte imbalances and deficiencies in trace elements such as magnesium, manganese and zinc. Iron deficiency is a fairly common problem related to poor nutrition.

These factors can lead to a child lacking drive, and becoming disinterested and confused easily, They may also have difficulty concentrating and remembering.

If your child has poor appetites due to psychological disorders, take an empathetic approach to the situation and evaluate it from your child’s point of view. Remember to always show love and concern. Identify areas of stress and institute remedial measures such as spending more time talking to your child.

“Avoid making threats or punishing your child when he doesn’t eat, and reward him for behaviour that is desirable,” advises Dr Swamenathan.

“Try not to force. Instead encourage your child to eat. During mealtimes, make sure your child is seated comfortably at the table and eat alongside him as often as you can. Also, have regularly scheduled meals, and try to make mealtimes as pleasant as possible.”

When it comes to snacks, you need to time them in between meals so that they do not spoil your child’s appetite. Limit fruit juice as it provides empty calories and diminishes an appetite for nutritious meals.
Medical causes

Poor appetites are sometimes caused by medical conditions involving the gastrointestinal system (eg. undetected urine infection, chronic diarrhoea, chronic liver disease), chronic illnesses (eg. cardiac and respiratory disorders), infections (parasites, tuberculosis) and metabolic disorders, which can limit a child’s capacity to make the most of the calories consumed. Consultant paediatrician Dr Zulkifli Ismail says that poor nutrition can cause a child’s immune system to be compromised, making him prone to infections and illnesses.

“Young children need the right nutrients in the right amounts for their brain to develop optimally, particularly during the formative years. So if they aren’t eating well, they aren’t getting the nutrients they need. This can negatively affect their brain development,” says Dr Zulkifli.

Poor nutritional intake can also cause wounds to heal poorly and cause a build-up of toxins in the body, making it difficult for the body to derive nutrients from the food that the child eats.

If you suspect that your child is not eating well due to a medical condition, send him to a doctor for evaluation. Your doctor or paediatrician will examine your child’s diet and eating patterns, and try to establish when and why growth or weight gain has stopped. Your doctor may also look for emotional and social problems for the decrease in growth, and counsel you about family interactions or habits that are damaging to your child’s development.

Learning begins at home

2008-02-16T18:03:00.001-08:00

Children are the products of either good or bad parenting.

THE most important learning for the child comes from his family. Parents are his first teachers. The child learns about his world and how to be a good person from the very day he is born. His sense of self comes from how his parents treat him and respond to him. Child experts often advise parents to tune in to their children from an early age. Children’s self-esteem is nurtured early in life as they interact with their parents in a positive environment.

When a child gets into trouble, parents often blame themselves for being too lenient or too strict with him. Some parents even blame the child for being naughty or disobedient. The truth of the matter is, children are the products of either good parenting or bad parenting and not because their parents are good or bad. When we make mistakes with our children, often times, we are not aware of ways to manage our children correctly.

We can do a better job with our children when we understand the different stages of development. As children mature, parents need to manage their children’s behaviour differently. You cannot talk to your teenager as you did when he was six years old. Listen to what your child says and find ways to support his interests.

Communication plays a vital role in our daily interactions with family members. We need to understand what they hear and see, and be able to send messages in ways that they can understand and accept. Children need adults to guide them in choosing the right words to express themselves. Teaching by example is the most effective tool for parents. Many have found that their words fall on deaf ears when they do not practise what they preach to their young ones.

A mother of two school-going boys remarked that today’s teenagers are easily influenced by their peers. She feared for her children’s welfare. She wondered how she can protect her sons from negative influences. Children tend to draw closer to their peers when their parents refuse to acknowledge them or listen to them. Their peers, on the other hand, make them feel accepted and loved. They never question them or belittle their ideas.

Self-esteem is how the person feels and thinks about himself. Feeling loved, valued, wanted and respected will make children feel good about who they are. Parents can create such an environment for them to grow up in. Once your children are confident, they can try new things and explore their world.

Parents must allow their children to make mistakes so that they can learn to cope and find out what they can do to succeed. Like a toddler learning to walk, he will fail many times before he achieves his goal. But once he manages to do what he sets out to do, he will experience an overwhelming sense of pride.

Many children feel unloved because they are scolded or punished frequently. The foundation of their relationship with their parents is built on fear and violence. While parents consider their acts of punishments as a form of discipline, their children do not share this understanding. They cannot accept the fact that their parents inflict pain on them to teach them a lesson.

As children grow, parents must be prepared to allow them to take charge of their behaviour. When parents respect their children for their sense of independence, they will live up to parental expectations.

My five-year-old nephew once declared: “I have no freedom. My parents make me do everything.” He feels helpless when he is not allowed to do simple tasks for himself or decide what he wants to do or say.

In today’s competitive world, our children need to know that being different is acceptable. We do not want our children to be carbon-copies. They can have their own likes and dislikes. They should not feel the need to submit to societal pressure to look the same and talk the same way. Parents can show their children how to value different things that they learn from others.

We live in a multicultural society. Parents’ attitude can make a lot of difference in how their children regard other people and accept their ways. Bring the various cultures into your children’s lives through stories, songs and food.

Hopefully, one day our children will grow into mature adults who do not discriminate against others.

Not keen on kindy

2008-02-13T18:02:00.000-08:00

Some children may need help to settle down in kindergarten.

MY daughter will be five in July. She has just entered kindergarten. She’s very noisy and boisterous at home, and bullies her younger brother. But when she is outside, she is very shy. She refuses to talk or even answer questions.

In kindergarten, she doesn’t participate in class activities. She finds the activities overwhelming. She is reluctant to go to school and insists that I sit beside her. When the teacher takes her aside and talks to her, she is very friendly. She seems to enjoy one-to-one conversation. When I ask her why she doesn’t want to talk, she says she is shy.

How can I help her open up? I don’t want this to go on day after day. – Mother of Two

Children need to believe that they can achieve what they set out to do. They also need their parents and teachers to communicate that belief to them. They learn to have a positive attitude from the adults around them.

For children to discover their strengths, they need the adults around them to value their individuality and acknowledge that they do things differently. Your daughter may have a different personality from that of your son, and she handles her fears differently from other children.

Acknowledge her for who she is. Being shy is not a sign of weakness. She may be more aware of things than other children – hence her apprehension to speak up or participate in school activities for the time being. She will not answer questions she is not ready for.

Parents and teachers can reassure children that they can succeed in their struggles by sending them positive messages about who they are and what they are doing. Helping children to do the right thing is not about correcting them when they make mistakes. They need guidance as well as emotional support for their efforts.

Your daughter has just started kindergarten. She is wary of her new school environment and the people there. As time passes, she will eventually adapt to the school routine and social circle. Her reserved behaviour may only be temporary. She will be ready in her own time.

Avoid labelling her as shy or stubborn. This may diminish her self-confidence and make her feel inadequate. With a little brother at home, she may constantly feel that she is in competition for attention and affection.

Do not make comparisons. It may make her feel unloved for who she is. She may develop low self-worth and think that she is not good enough.

Say something positive about her every day. Parenting so often involves the need to correct, to discipline and to judge. You may go through a day easily without having said anything nice to your eldest child. It is worth your while to say something nice to her. She may, in turn, do the same to her younger brother.

You may want to spend one-on-one time with your daughter. Read to her and ask her what she thinks of the story. Listen and talk with her to find out how she feels about being in school and at home.

Exchange ideas with your child on what to do in school and at home. If she has difficulty speaking up in school, do some pretend play with her. Give her a script that she can use and help her to practise her lines. As she gains confidence, she will start using her own words.

We do not always have the right answers as parents, but we have the skills to solve problems. Show your daughter various ways she can handle difficulties in school. She can learn from you how to get positive attention from her teacher and friends on a daily basis.

Children like to be praised for what they can do. If you give her encouraging words for her effort in an activity, she may feel she has succeeded because she has tried. Eventually, as she becomes more skilled and experienced, you may see startling results.

While your daughter is adjusting to life in kindergarten, do expect ups and downs along the way. Her fears and frustration in the early days will slowly disappear when she knows that you are not angry or upset with her. Stay calm and in control even when things are rough. Your daughter will appreciate your effort and understanding in helping her through this challenging time.

Focus on strengths

2008-02-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

Children are hoping to find acceptance for their good qualities.

I HAVE two children, aged seven (boy) and four (girl). My son is in Year One in a Chinese school and my girl is in kindergarten. I find it hard coaching or guiding my son as he is very stubborn and extremely playful. I have even received complaints from his teacher about his playfulness in class.

Every time I lose patience with him, I would shout loudly and also use the cane on him. After that, I feel extremely bad. I have tried not to act this way but he just does not do things properly and will often refuse to do what he needs to (for example, his homework, eat his dinner, bathe) if I do not use force him.

He has complained to me, saying that I always scold him. I have explained to him why but it only worked for two days and then he went back to his bad behaviour. I tried talking gently to him but it does not work. Tell me what can I do. I need your guidance- Worried mother

Your seven-year-old is going through many changes in his life. He can do many things on his own and is going through rapid development of mental skills. This is a critical time for your son to develop confidence in all areas of life, such as making friends, doing schoolwork and playing sports. He can be quite independent if he wants to.

You need to shift your parenting gears to help him develop the skills needed in middle childhood. Start by showing him some respect for being a Year One pupil. Your tone of voice and behaviour towards him must be different to how you treat your younger child.

Work out a timetable with your son on how he should spend his time after school. If he keeps on schedule, he can get more playtime instead of extra coaching time. Children like to be rewarded for their effort. This reinforces their positive behaviour.

Children in their middle childhood years are more sensitive to how they are treated. Your constant scolding and punishment will only make matters worse. Your son resents your lack of patience with him. Instead of changing for the better, he may act badly just to spite you.

Spend more time focusing on what he is doing well. He needs to know his strengths and good qualities. What you say and do with him can boost his confidence in his skills.

I AM a mother of three children, aged eight, six and two. My second daughter will be be in Year One next year and my husband insists that she attends Chinesemedium school. I have heard a lot about the heavy homework load she would have to endure. My daughter is very active and cannot concentrate for long periods.

When asked to do homework from her kindergarten, she throws tantrums before she starts doing her work.

Sometimes she takes an hour to finish one page of mathematics or her colouring homework.

Sometimes I need to scream at her or threaten her with a cane. But then, she will start crying and take a really long time to finish her homework. She has enough time for play and TV. She is a smart girl and we always reward her for doing well in school by giving her what she wants.

Her teachers from school and other learning centres feel that she talks too much during class and does not concentrate. She is very loving to her little brother but not to my older girl, who has special needs. Some mothers think I pay too much attention to my other children. I am still breastfeeding my son.

My eldest daughter is in an international school and I have thought of putting my second girl in a private school. Should I just learn how to let go and allow her to learn at her own pace? She can’t read yet but if her teacher has read a storybook to her, she can actually memorise it.

I am trying to read storybooks with her every night to enhance her reading skill but there are times when I need to be with my other children. Should I just let my second girl be in private school where there is less homework or let her choose her school? – Mother of three

Before you decide on which school to send your middle child to, you should focus on her present situation. From your description, she sounds like a child who can easily adapt to different environments and can achieve good results in her work.

As for her lack of concentration when doing her homework, she will change as she matures. To get her ready for primary school, she needs your attention to guide her on the right path. Preparing for school takes more than just knowing the 3Rs. She needs to be emotionally prepared too.

Give her some personal oneon- one time and focus on her interests. Do not insist on her doing what you think is right but marvel at her little achievements that only she can do.

Middle children tend to struggle a great deal to get attention in the sibling cauldron. She is not the first born with the special needs nor can she compete with her breast-feeding toddler brother.

Your second daughter may constantly try to find acceptance for what she can do. Sometimes, this struggle may end up in negative behaviour. Find time to show her that she matters and tell her that you notice how hard she tries to do the right thing.

Good dietary habits

2008-02-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

Your children’s daily experiences with food will shape the way they view nutrition.

SIX-year-old Kumar is a happy and healthy kid, but when it comes to mealtimes, he often eats nothing but yellow noodles for weeks on end. No rice, no vegetables, just yellow noodles. Once in a while, to break the monotony, Kumar has some peanuts.

Anne, Kumar’s playmate, is quite the opposite. When her mother prepares noodles, she insists on rice. When mum prepares rice, she’ll ask for bread. Her mum has become so frantic that she arranges special meals for Anne while the rest of the family has their regular meals.

Anne’s best friend, Laili, refuses to eat anything remotely green. She screams when she sees veggies on her plate, and throws tantrums when given green apples. Her mum has given up bribing the five-year-old with candies and toys to get her to eat her greens.

Do any of your children behave like Kumar, Anne or Laili when it’s time to eat? If they do, don’t worry. Eating can be a chore for many children between the ages of one and 10. In fact, 45% of children face one problem or another during mealtimes.

There are all sorts of reasons why children become selective eaters. It could be due to a lack of familiarity with food or insufficient food variety and/or quality. It may be because your children are distracted during mealtimes. Your children could also be asserting their new-found independence. Perhaps they’re frightened by some kinds of food.

Children often look up to their parents. Are you setting the right example for your kids in terms of food choices and mealtime habits? Ask yourself these questions:

Do you generally eat an unhealthy diet that’s high in fat and low in fibre?
Do you eat out more often than you eat in, as a family?
Do you snack in front of the TV instead of having a proper meal at the dining table?
Do you make negative comments about foods you dislike in front of your kids?
Do you have second or third helpings despite feeling full?
Do you habitually skip meals, especially breakfast?

As parents, you have a responsibility to teach your children good eating habits and about nutrition. It starts with you practising good habits yourself. Your children won’t perceive healthy eating to be a priority if it isn’t something they see you doing.

Understanding the basics

It’s important that you understand the basics of good nutrition yourself. Having sufficient knowledge about nutrition enables you to model the right habits and behaviour, and motivate your children to do the same. Not sure where to start? The Food Pyramid Guide is the most widely accepted reference on healthy eating. Read it and understand its key principles.

Regular family mealtimes

One simple and effective way to instil good eating habits in your kids is to start having meals together as a family. Eating together encourages your children to be more receptive to food and increases their food choices. They also learn portion control, since there’s only so much food placed on the table for everybody. Create a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere around the dining table.

Clean up your fridge

If your refrigerator is stocked with chips, fast foods, fizzy drinks and sweets, it’s time to rethink your food choices. Make a healthy statement by stocking on more fruits and vegetables. If you need snacks in the house, stock up on wholesome ones such as wholegrain crackers, wholemeal sandwiches, cereals, milk and yoghurt. Make these healthy snacks visible and easily accessible to your kids.

Everything in moderation

Watch your eating habits because your children are watching them too! The key principle here is to take everything in moderation, whether it is a sweet dessert or wine after dinner. Watch your portions and maintain a good variety in the types of foods that you eat.

Have fun being active

Good nutrition isn’t just about what or how much you eat. It’s also about being physically active. Incorporate physical activity into your daily routine. The key is to have fun. Once your children see you living and enjoying the active lifestyle, they will follow suit.

Mum’s the word

2008-02-09T18:04:00.000-08:00

Datuk Dr G.K. Ananda Kumarasiri’s concern about the care of mothers has prompted him to write a book on it.

MOTHERCARE – there’s no such word – but Datuk Dr G.K. Ananda Kumarasiri coined it to illustrate a concept that he feels deeply about. His Mothercare and Parenting: Key to Social Structuring, is a hefty 506-page hardcover book, complete with illustrations and diagrams to help readers understand his philosophy.

Although Kumarasiri makes references to Buddhist teachings, he is quick to point out that spirituality (a strong foundation of the principles expounded in the book) can be derived from any religion or culture.

This former diplomat of 30 years (his posts included being High Commissioner to Nigeria and Asean director-general) took five years to complete the book. Kumarasiri has also written an extensive number of books under the Living Buddhism series.

Datuk Dr G.K. Ananda Kumarasiri: ‘Asian culture sees all mothers as sacred but we seem to be losing that respect.’

His Professional Diplomacy and Foreign Affairs Management: The Malaysian Experience, was self-published (as are his other books) in 1992 while he was still in service. It’s probably the first and only case study of diplomacy practised in Malaysia. Kumarasiri, 65, says that the rise of social ills and crime plaguing our society prompted him to write the book.

“Governments have failed to put into place a comprehensive policy or strategy to stem the tide, instead depending on ad hoc measures that have proven inadequate. We need to identify the cause and I believe the untrained and uncultured mind is to blame. Education is what separates us from animals. Unfortunately, our current education system only emphasises rote learning,” he adds.

“If we have not been trained as a child it will be hard to expect teachers to do anything. Teaching moral education in schools is too late. One has to go through an unlearning process first to get rid of all that negative input from the past. Parents also have to lead by example. If they expect their children not to drink or smoke, then they should not do so themselves.”

He notes that governments are not motivated to look at long-term strategies, as politicians are more worried about immediate results to impress their voters. Changes that will benefit the next generation and after their political life is over don’t figure in their plans.

For Kumarasiri, the process of learning (emotional, psychological and spiritual) should start at the foetal stage. He describes the mind of the foetus as tabula rosa – a blank slate which one can fill with positive data. The formative infant years are also very important. But he notes the reverse can hold true, as was Adolf Hitler’s devious plan to form a master race.

“Recently, (Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri) Najib (Tun Razak) was reported to have said that mothers should talk to their unborn child during pregnancy. You also have to provide a positive nurturing environment for both the foetus and the expectant mother. The concern so far has been physical growth, while the emotional, psychological and spiritual development have been neglected.”

Which brings us back to Kumarasiri’s definition of “mothercare”, which includes care and support (emotionally, psychologically and spiritually) not just for the expectant mother but throughout the woman’s entire maternal journey, from her husband and immediate family.

A key part of Mothercare is his view on discrimination of women.

“We are all born of women. That should rightfully stop one from discriminating against them. Asian culture sees all mothers as sacred but we seem to be losing that respect. In many ways, we still look down on women. Men continue to exploit them,” says Kumarasiri.

He hopes to inculcate two principles in parenting – unconditional love and filial piety. Kumarasiri stresses that both of these have to be shown and taught to a child.

The author readily concedes that he has made mistakes as a parent, too, out of ignorance, and has learnt through trial and error.

Kumarasiri is happy that his daughter (he has three children) has had the benefit of using the philosophy outlined in the book to raise her two children – “... my grandchildren are wonderful and a joy to behold.”

He feels gratified that the book, done in his own time and with his own resources, has received good response from various organisations around the world.

Baby’s signals

2008-02-07T18:06:00.000-08:00

Your child will let you know when he is ready to be weaned off the pacifier.

MY son is 10 months old and has been a good baby until recently. When he was three weeks old, I introduced him to the pacifier at bedtime. The pacifier would drop off after he fell asleep and I would keep it for the rest of the night. He did not need the pacifier for his afternoon naps.

Around three-and-a-half months, I started substituting his midnight feed with a pacifier. I also made it a habit to offer him the pacifier whenever he moves or fusses in bed.

Now I am tired and want to wean him off the pacifier. When I first started, he would wake up in the middle of the night and cry for me to carry him. I would do that for a while and then put him down to sleep. Sometimes this works, but most of the time, he refuses and insists that I rock him to sleep. He would wake up frequently in the night and expect to be carried.

Before I started weaning my son off his pacifier, he fell sick for two weeks. He was down with a fever and became very cranky. He has since developed the habit of wanting me nearby when he sleeps.

I am very concerned about this behaviour. How can I rectify this situation and yet wean him off his pacifier? My babysitter has advised me against weaning.

I have very high expectations. I always expect to train my child the right way from an early age. Please help. – Anxious mother

At 10 months, your son is developing many skills and gaining greater awareness of the world around him. As he acquires more skills, he will also develop feelings of insecurity. He will not be able to cope when there are changes in his routine and practices.

Your babysitter is right about not starting the weaning process too early. She may realise that changes in the routine can greatly upset your son’s sense of equilibrium during both the day and night.

Babies suck on either their thumb or the pacifier. They feel soothed when they do so. Some babies need to suck on something more than others.

For many children, it is natural to be weaned off the pacifier when they feel secure and loved.

If you want that to happen with your son, you must be prepared to offer him a more desirable substitute.

Instead of getting comfort from the pacifier during the night, you will have to carry him to comfort him and offer him the feeling of security. When there is a change in your child’s routine, he will need to seek his comfort from his caregiver.

The pacifier is really a temporary comfort for babies. It does not replace parents. When your baby is sick and feeling unsure, he needs picking up and holding. Putting the pacifier in his mouth will not satisfy his need for your nurturing. When you pick him up when he cries for you, you offer him greater comfort. Once he is reassured, he will cry less.

You may want to comfort him while he is in bed rather than pick him up all the time. Try singing softly to him or placing your hand gently on him. As time goes by, he may find it easier to fall asleep once he hears you call out to him. You may not have to pick him up at all but just be there when he needs you.

It is good that you have high expectations of parenting. But your expectations have to be based on your child’s needs and development. Observe your child carefully before you implement any new practice.

Your infant son is learning trust and building a bond with you as a caregiver and parent. It will be easier for both parent and child when the child’s needs are met.

An important part of parenting is to respond to your baby’s signals correctly. When you pay attention to his expressions and actions, you will be able to be more helpful. This way, he will learn to handle stressful situations better. Responding to your baby’s signals appropriately will show him how to interact with others in a positive manner.

The better you respond to your baby, the more he will be able to tell you what he needs and what he does not want. He will feel encouraged by your positive responses and reward you with more smiles than cries.

Helping with homework

2008-02-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

It’s necessary in the learning process, but homework doesn’t have to be a dreaded task.

ONCE your child enters school, even at kindergarten level, homework becomes the focus in the family. Parents worry that their children who do not do their homework will end up with disastrous results in school learning. Some educators believe that children who do homework as early as kindergarten do better in school.

Homework definitely has a place in children’s learning. At its best, it reinforces skill practice in reading, writing and maths without the teacher’s direct supervision. Children learn to develop independent study and organisation skills when doing their homework.

On the flip side, homework in the form of “drill work” can bring about behavioural problems in children in their primary grades. Many children overwhelmed by school demands and lack of rest throw temper tantrums out of frustration.

Here's a real example. An early primary grade child was given 15 pages of writing to complete and submit to the teacher the following day. She also had to complete homework in other subjects the same day. Failing to complete the assigned homework would make the teacher angry.

Homework should be the child’s work and not the parents’. But when it is too much for the child to manage, parents can step in with guidance and encouragement. If parents feel that the child has been given too much homework, they should bring it up with the teacher. Do not complain to your child. You may not be able to change the school policy on homework and undermining the teacher or the assignments can only make matters worse.

Here are a few dos and don’ts on how parents can help with homework:

Dos

Children need rest and food before they start on their homework. Organise the homework session at a time when both parent and child have had some rest and are not feeling hungry. If parents work late, the child should complete what she can independently and consult the parents with the rest when they are home.
Do not make your child sit and do homework for long periods of time. Take short breaks. You have to remember that children who have had a full day at school will be physically and mentally tired when they get home. Take it easy with the homework schedule.
Set up a homework timetable. Put the fun stuff in the schedule too. Your Year One child will look forward to these activities when she has finished her homework. Be flexible with the homework schedule. School subjects are scheduled on different days of the week. This means, when there is a heavy workload, your child can complete her task at a later time and not have to rush through every piece of homework in one sitting. Talk to the teacher if your child is having a hard time completing her homework.
Make your homework timetable eye-catching. If attractive menus work for customers in restaurants, I am sure your child will enjoy looking at her favourite cartoon characters or pop stars decorating her schedule and dread doing her homework less.
On days when your child does not have homework, you can still help her out with some revision, even if it is just for 20 minutes. Or you can read a book together or work out some maths puzzles. When she has a stretch of days without any homework, you can give her a day off as well.
When you are helping your child learn a subject, try to make it fun. Don’t make it a chore. She does not need extra worksheets from you when she has completed her schoolwork. If your child is learning English, do some role-playing so that shecan practise the language in a fun way. Sing songs or read her stories in English to enhance her learning.
Make sure your child has a comfortable and fun environment to do her homework. Keep distractions such as the TV or computer games away. Have some light refreshments ready for an occasional break. Good lighting and a cool atmosphere can help with your child’s concentration.
Children need praise and lots of understanding from their parents. No two children are alike in their speed in doing homework. Avoid comparing your children. Offer positive remarks to each child individually whenever you notice them putting effort into their work.
At exam time, children become nervous and tense because they worry that they will fail miserably and disappoint their parents. To lessen children’s anxiety, you may want to encourage them to learn different things to develop their skills. Children who are confident with learning skills tend to cope better in tests and exams.

Dont

Do not do your child’s homework for her. You may think that you are helping her but you are actually putting her at a disadvantage. She will be dependent on you to a certain extent. Her teachers will not know what she is having difficulty with and will not be able to help her when they cannot gauge her progress. You can help by going through her papers when she is done.

Do not punish your child if she makes mistakes in her homework or tests. Everyone makes mistakes. Trial and error is often the best way to learn. If you want her to learn, do not demand that she gets a perfect score. Do not call her “stupid” or “careless” when she makes mistakes that she shouldn’t. Children need a balance of work and play. It is up to parents to help organise this in their daily lives. You can schedule an hour or two for outdoor games and play so that your children can have some fun. More importantly, parents must get children to learn to take responsibility for their own tasks.

Concerned about teen son

2008-01-31T18:21:00.000-08:00

I HAVE three children aged 15, 13 and nine. The eldest and youngest are doing fine at school. However, I am concerned about my 13-year-old son. Since Year One, he has not been doing well. He is not interested in his studies. He has a lackadaisical attitude towards anything related to studies. He also has poor personal hygiene.

He does not show any concern at all, even when sitting for his exams. He just takes the days when he has exams like any normal day. He prefers to while away his time on other things, rather than revise his schoolwork.

He expects us to give him all the answers. Every time his father and I coach him, we are the ones doing all the talking; he maintains a silence throughout.

He refuses to think or put more effort in his studies. He has poor power of recall and cannot remember much of what has been taught. And, he gives up easily.

When I asked him what he wants to be when he grows up, he replied that he wants to be a teacher. There were times, too, when he asked his school friends for money and got into trouble.

I have noticed he likes to pretend to be a teacher. He would pretend to teach using the white board, when he’s in his room. He also likes to play computer games. He’s very good at helping out with household chores. He does these voluntarily and without hesitation. He will help to conserve energy at home when no one is in the room, help to lay the table for dinner and get it ready, and help the maid with the dirty laundry. He is also observant, inquisitive and has a good memory for other things not related to studies.

I am very worried about his future. I have scolded him many times and asked him to change his attitude and show more concern for his studies and personal hygiene.

However, I have yet to see any improvement. I have told him that I foresee a bleak future for him, given the fact that he is not knowledgeable, lazy to think for himself and has a negative attitude.

What can I do to motivate him to do better in his studies and show an interest in personal hygiene?

Worried Mum

Your middle child, at 13 years old, has been looked upon as the “black sheep” of the family. Compared to his older sister and younger brother, he appears to be an under-achiever. It must be hard for him to feel motivated when he is often regarded as the one who is not doing enough in the family.

I am glad you notice that he is good with chores and is helpful. His strengths, which you have highlighted, should be the starting point for you to work with in order to motivate him to change his negative ways. He has probably tuned out to all that talk about his negative behaviour and lack of interest in his studies.

Your son is now entering the teenage years. He is at the age when he has more questions than answers. Your son is at a vulnerable age. He is undergoing tremendous changes in all aspects of his life – physically, emotionally, socially, cognitively and spiritually. Parents must learn to deal with the changes in their children’s development and help them to face the challenges in positive ways.

If you want to motivate him to learn, make the subject exciting. Take the lessons out of the classroom and make them come alive for him. Instead of the drill and grill style of teaching, help him to embark on a journey of discovery. Lead him on to discover interesting facts and experiences. Make the school lessons part of his practical living.

As for the lack of interest in his personal hygiene, you may want to point out to him the pros and cons of keeping clean. No one likes to be near someone who smells or looks like he has not washed for ages. Make a list of self-grooming tips and ideas on how to take care of personal hygiene. Show him the list and tell him that you trust he will practise good personal hygiene because he wants positive attention from his friends.

The best thing you can do for your son is to give him wings and roots. He wants to feel independent and be in control of certain aspects of his life. If you are constantly telling him what to do and scolding him for not doing what you have asked of him, he will not be able to learn to make his own decisions and set goals for the future.

Set aside time and effort to listen to what your 13-year-old likes and talk about his interests. You will gain far more when you start focusing on what he is good at, rather than what he is not doing well in.

Your son needs practice in making judgments on his own and he needs you to listen to him and support him. This is how he can use his intelligence and put it into action

In trouble for being inquisitive

2008-01-29T18:24:00.000-08:00

MY son, who is nine years old, studies in a Chinese school. He is intelligent and a top student. My problem is he is very talkative, inquisitive and at times, annoying. Every answer is another question to him.

Since he started Primary One, my advice has fallen on deaf ears. He gets punished every day for talking in class. When I queried him, he replied that he could not control his mouth from talking.

I do not want him to be severely punished by the teachers for talking in class. Punishment – a blue-black thumb; a plaster over his moth; caning on his palm – does not seem to stop him from talking. I do not want to be called up to meet his teachers. Please advise me as to how to get him to keep quiet and behave in class. - Worried Mum

I FEEL sorry for the way your son is being treated in school. It is obvious he is interested in learning. Children who want to know more are often inquisitive and talkative. The problem lies with the teachers who treat them badly.

Set up a meeting with your son’s class teacher and have him sit in during the discussion. Your child needs to hear what his teacher has to say about his talking in class and her/his suggestions on how he should behave when he has a question or an idea he wants to share.

You may suggest to your son that he try writing down his ideas and approach his teachers when they are done with the class. Instead of constantly interrupting a lesson, he can contribute to it by taking notes of what the teacher says that intrigues him. When he is inspired to speak out loud, he may want to seek permission in a polite way.

MY three-year-old daughter has been sucking her thumb since birth. I tried giving her the pacifier but she always spat it out. She will poke her thumb into her mouth before sleeping or whenever her hand is not occupied with anything.

Now that she can understand things better, my husband and I have explained to her many times the negative effects of thumb-sucking (i.e. ingesting all the germs, the risk of bad breath, having others tease her, etc). But she doesn’t seem to care. A few times, her thumb even got sore from the sucking.

How can I stop her bad habit? Should I try putting something spicy on her thumb, following the old wives’ tale? - Helpless Mummy

THUMB-sucking is a common behaviour among toddlers. It is unsightly and embarrassing for parents, who worry that this habit will continue when the child is older. But is it really a problem? For whom?

Most children stop sucking their thumb by the time they go to kindergarten. Occasionally, some children may do it when they feel bored or anxious. In my opinion, thumb-sucking is more of a problem for parents than it is for children.

If you are really worried about her thumb getting sore, you can help her to keep it clean. Make sure you show her how to wash her hands and dry them. Remind her to wash her hands before and after she eats. You can start to teach her personal hygiene so that she will be healthy and happy.

You can also get your daughter to spend more time doing things with her hands. Plan hands-on activities such as playing with puzzles, play-dough, water and sand, paper-cutting with scissors, and threading with beads.

The idea is that the more time she spends working with her hands, the less time she will spend sucking her thumb.

To successfully get rid of this problem, your daughter has to be ready to do so. When she feels confident and secure, she may not need to do any thumb-sucking. So, avoid scolding or punishing her for her habit. Instead, focus your attention on helping her to feel good about herself.

Making food enjoyable

2008-01-27T18:27:00.000-08:00

Tips to get your child to eat right for healthy growth.

WHAT can a parent to do if a child refuses to eat certain foods or insists on eating only one or two types of food for days or weeks?

For many children, especially those between the ages of one and 10, eating can be a chore. In fact, studies show that up to 45% of children have problems during mealtimes. Below are eight common mealtime problems and tips to help you overcome them.

1. My child won’t eat anything but white rice! He’s been like this for the past two weeks. What can I do?

The insistence on eating only a certain kind of food is known as “food jags”. This happens to many children, but there’s no need to be alarmed. Coax, persuade or even tease them to eat something from each major food group. If your children are adamant about eating only fried rice for a week, try chopping up a variety of vegetables into various sizes and shapes and sneaking the greens into the rice. Also, you can add some protein foods such as chicken and beef pieces, prawn, eggs, sausages, or fish balls.

2. How can I get my two children to eat vegetables? They won’t touch anything green.

This problem could be because your children weren’t properly introduced to vegetables during the complementary feeding stage. When faced with this situation, try serving different kinds of vegetables that are cooked or prepared in various ways. Be creative and serve them in interesting, unexpected ways. You could also lead by example: eat vegetables in front of your children and make it obvious that you’re enjoying every mouthful.

3. My four-year-old son eats very little. Should I be concerned?

Not if this occurs occasionally and he’s growing well. Children have smaller stomachs, and three main meals may be more than they can handle. Try smaller portions at frequent intervals, or three small main meals and two to three well-spaced snacks throughout the day. This ensures he gets enough nutrients and energy. Think quality, not quantity – a small serving of nutritious food is more beneficial than a big helping of empty calories. Focus on what he is eating instead of how much. If your son’s poor appetite is prolonged, however, and he exhibits weight loss, he may require medical assessment.

4. My daughter’s appetite is so erratic – one day she’ll eat, the next day she won’t. Shouldn’t she be eating the same amount every day?

Variations in appetite are normal; they occur in children as well as adults. It’s good, however, to find out if your daughter likes food prepared in certain ways (for example, scrambled egg as opposed to hard-boiled). If she likes foods in a certain way, you can try preparing other foods in the same manner and see how receptive she is.

5. My children would rather run around and play than eat their food.

Your children are growing up and discovering the world around them. Unfortunately, this could lead to a temporary loss of interest in eating. This is perfectly normal and isn’t a cause for concern. However, if the problem persists and your children aren’t growing well, you may want to ask a doctor, dietician or nutritionist for help.

6. My son loves to keep food in his mouth instead of swallowing it. How can I stop him from doing this?

This could arise because your son is distracted during mealtimes. Is the TV on during lunch? Are toys strewn all over the dining table during dinner? Removing these distractions and ensuring a calm eating environment might help address the problem. Make eating the primary focus and make it enjoyable. Another reason could be that your son has had enough to eat. Are you giving him too big spoonfuls of food? Are you feeding him with adult-sized spoons? Use child-friendly cutlery instead. It helps if your child has his meal together with the whole family.

7. I try to keep my children’s mealtimes regular but sometimes it’s tough when a mealtime comes around and they’re not hungry. What can I do?

Check if your children have been munching on high-sugar or high-calorie snacks all day long. Make sure they’re also not filling up on milk and juice between meals as this could ruin their appetites. As a rule, snacks should not be given less than 1½-2 hours before a main meal.

8. Why is my child giving me such a hard time?

Mealtime problems crop up for a variety of reasons – a lack of familiarity with new foods, distractions or illness. Your children are at the age where they begin to assert their independence. They want to make their own food choices and test the limits set by their parents. This usually happens at the age of two years when they become more independent and their response to everything you want them to do (and eat) is met with a defiant “No”.

Growth rates

2008-01-25T18:33:00.000-08:00

Monitor your child’s weight and height regularly to assess if he is receiving the right nutrition to grow and develop well.

AS a paediatrician, I often have parents approaching me with many questions about their children’s growth. One mother was concerned about how small her son looks compared with other kids in his class, while another was worried that her daughter’s picky eating habits would affect her growth in the long run. Just the other day, a couple wondered if their son’s rapid weight gain was a sign that he would have weight problems later on as a teenager.

As parents, we are all concerned about our children’s growth, especially during their formative years. However, questions on your child's growth cannot be answered off the bat as every child grows at his or her own rate. Comparing your children with someone else’s isn’t a reliable way of gauging growth and could lead to unnecessary worry. What you can do is keep an eye on how they’re growing and this is best done using the growth (or anthropometric) chart.

Growth charts enable parents to track their children’s growth over time and monitor how they are growing in relation to other children in that same age group. By using a growth chart to plot your child’s growth, you can detect under-nutrition, overweight and obesity, and other growth-related conditions and address them at an early stage.

There are different weight and height charts relative to age for boys and girls because their growth rates and patterns differ.

Children aged two years and above should have their weight and height measured every six months. All you need is a reliable weighing scale, a measuring board (e.g. a measuring tape properly stuck to the wall from the floor level) and the appropriate weight-for-age and height-for-age growth charts. Visit mypositiveparenting.org/growth-charts.htmor who.int/childgrowthto download and print the latest World Health Organisation growth charts. Specific instructions are available online to show you how to properly measure your children’s height, weight and how to plot your results on the chart.

Just because a reading is high or low on the chart doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s a problem. Growth charts are designed to show your child’s growth patterns over time. This is more important than what his weight or height is at any one time.

After the first two years of life (when growth is the most rapid), children should grow along the same percentile. For instance, if your child’s weight is within the 15th percentile, he should be gaining weight steadily within the 15th percentile throughout. It is cause for concern if his weight were to drop suddenly or gradually.

Growth disturbances

How well your child grows is influenced by several factors, namely nutrition, genetics and hormones. Here are some things to watch out for when plotting your child’s weight and height:

Sudden weight drop or spike

The first thing to look at is your child's nutrition. Is he eating well? Is he lacking any nutrients? Apart from nutrition, parents should see if their children have any illnesses like urinary tract infections, a chronic illness or if they’ve just recovered from an episode of diarrhoea. All these things can cause weight loss. If the height of the child has crossed the centile lines, he may have a chronic illness.

Overweight

If your child’s weight is above the 85th percentile, it means your child is overweight. It’s also useful to look at your child’s weight gain trends. For instance, he was within the 50th percentile a year ago and the figure climbed up to the 60th percentile three months later and up to the 70th percentile in another three months. This clearly means an increasing weight problem.

Underweight

A weight measurement below the 15th percentile is a sign of underweight. Similar to the point above, if your child’s weight seems to be declining at each measurement.

Too tall

Is your child unusually tall for his age? This is rare and may be due to genetic factors or hormone problems.

Too short

Being short isn’t necessarily a problem as a child’s height is often influenced by his parents’ heights. However, you may be concerned if your child doesn’t register any height increases for two consecutive measurements.

In such cases, parents should bring their children to the paediatrician for a more thorough examination. The paediatrician will be able to detect if there’s something seriously wrong with your child and address the problem early on.

What’s your child eating?

2008-01-22T18:36:00.000-08:00

Meeting your child’s daily nutritional needs.

WHAT exactly is a healthy diet? It is one that has variety and balance. This is important because various foods provide different nutrients and in different amounts, and your child needs them to grow and develop healthily.

The principle of variety and balance can be seen in the Food Guide Pyramid – the essential reference for a healthy diet for young children between two and six years old.

Let’s start from the base of the pyramid – carbohydrates. These foods are good sources of energy and should make up the bulk of your child’s diet. Filling, nutritious and yet low in fat, many carbohydrate foods also provide fibre, minerals and vitamins.

The following are some examples of one serving of carbohydrate foods: 1 cup of porridge; ½ a chapatti; ½ cup of cooked rice; ½ cup of noodles; 1 slice of bread. Do vary the types of carbohydrate foods your child gets.

Let half of your child’s total carbohydrate intake come from whole grain cereal and cereal products as they are high in fibre. Do not assume that carbohydrate foods are rich in fibre just because they are brown in colour.

If your child refuses to eat whole grain foods, try combining with non-whole grain alternatives. Pair a slice of ordinary white bread with a slice of whole grain bread to make a sandwich. Mix white and brown rice.

Move one level up the Food Guide Pyramid and you have vegetables and fruits. These provide the vitamins and minerals required to build a strong immune system and ensure overall well-being.

Offer your child vegetables and fruits, the more colourful the better! Dark green (leafy vegetables), light green (pears), orange (carrots), red (tomatoes), yellow (bananas) ? let your child enjoy them all.

Fruits are best eaten fresh and whole. If you decide to give your child fruit juice, make sure it is fresh with no added sugar. Limit your child’s intake of packaged juices and fruit drinks that are high in sugar.

Many parents find that children are more receptive to fruits than vegetables. However, it is important that you give both fruits and vegetables as you cannot substitute one for the other.

Fish, lean meat, poultry, egg, beans and other bean products are good sources of protein. Many of these foods are also rich in iron, a mineral that your child needs to obtain from his diet as his iron reserves have started to deplete since he stopped breastfeeding.

Examples of one serving include 1 medium-sized chicken drumstick; 1 cup of beans; 2 matchbox-sized pieces of lean meat. However, excess protein is converted to fat and stored in the body, so give protein-rich foods in moderation. Go for lean or low-fat meat. Serve it baked, broiled or grilled instead of fried, and always discard the skin.

Your child should receive protein from animal and plant sources. Include beans, bean products and pulses in your child’s food.

Milk and dairy products are to be taken moderately. They are excellent sources of calcium and are also good sources of protein, vitamins and minerals. Examples of one serving include 1 cup of milk; 1 cup of yoghurt; or 1 slice of cheese.

Your child needs fats for physical and mental development, so go for full cream milk. Avoid sweetened condensed milk and evaporated milk which have low nutritional value.

The Food Guide Pyramid doesn’t state serving sizes for “fats, oils, sweets and salt” because consumption should be kept to a minimum. So watch your child’s intake of fats and oils as excess can lead to being overweight and other health problems.

Sugar-laden foods are high in calories and most tend to be low in nutrients, so limit your child’s intake. Salt is required in small amounts and excess is unhealthy. Try not to add salt to foods. Avoid processed meats (for example, sausages and luncheon meats), and salty snack foods (for example, chips).